Where to do it. Just don't get caught.
Let’s face facts. If you’re in the mood for lovin’ and can’t keep it in your pants long enough to get thee to a private place, you probably aren’t going to pick up a copy of your local alternative newsweekly for suggestions on where to go to do the deed. (Unless you’re planning to love yourself and are looking for inspiration in the final pages of this fine product. If that’s the case, you should probably just skip this article altogether. No one—repeat: no one—likes a public masturbator.) But we’re hoping that by offering a few recommendations now, they’ll remain in your hippocampus next time you’re making decisions with another organ.
By the way, it should go without saying that there’s the possibility that you will be caught in the act and arrested for public nudity—among other things. In order to get it on at any of these locations, you’ll have to be stealthy. Also: really fast.
If You’re Feeling Unoriginal
Screwing in LOVE Park (15th St, and John F. Kennedy Blvd.) is a little like getting engaged on Valentine’s Day or having your first kiss on New Year’s Eve. It’s all too similar to the plot of a Matthew McConaughey movie. But you know what? Roughly 10 percent of all engagements take place on Feb. 14, so there’s a possibility you’re into premeditated platitudes. If so, we recommend doing the nasty in front of Philly’s most romantic sculpture. We also recommend a lot of liquid courage cuz there ain’t nowhere to hide once you get started.
If You’re a Sex Bomb
If you require a little mood music while you’re doing the deed, you have plenty of options. Since the grass at the Susquehanna Bank Center is tainted with the vomit of Pearl Jam fans and the tears of women who wish they could sleep with Brendan Flowers of the Killers, try classing it up at the Mann Center for the Performing Arts (5201 Parkside Ave. 215.893.1999. manncenter.org). Spring for balcony seats all the way to the side and make yourself a cozy little love nest. Tom Jones plays on June 17. Just sayin’.
If You Love America
The Betsy Ross House (239 Arch St. 215.686.1252. betsy rosshouse.org) is the perfect little Old City oasis for outdoor lunches and reading on warm summer mornings. It’s also kinda … hot. Consider this: According to the very reputable and totally accurate Urban Dictionary, “to Betsy Ross” means having sex on the American flag. As in, “I Betsy Rossed my girlfriend at the Betsy Ross House.”
If You’re Into Mirrors
Every so often, you’re bound to stumble upon a person who believes that mirrored ceilings are not a tacky design choice favored by people who’ve seen Basic Instinct too many times but a way to make sex better. Take that special someone to Isaiah Zagar’s Magic Gardens (1020-1022 South St. 215.733.0390. philadelphiasmagicgardens.org) on South Street. Plenty of reflective surfaces for self-ogling, but just enough other stuff to keep your mind otherwise occupied.
If You Have Trouble Getting Bard
Each summer, the White’s Road Park (400 White’s Rd., Lansdale .215.361.8352. lansdale.org) in Lansdale hosts Shakespeare in the Park. Bring a blanket, a bottle of wine and when you can no longer tolerate the overwhelming use of iambic pentameter, distract yourself by finding a gal inspired by Desdemona (or by Twelfth Night’s cross-dressing Viola) and escort her/him to a lovely spot behind some foliage.
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