My Husband Is More Interested In Porn

Early on, it didn’t bother me much— infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married, he’d still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME.

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 14 | Posted Mar. 10, 2009

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Photo by Robert Ullman

My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking. Early on, it didn’t bother me much— infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married, he’d still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER. The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I’m just getting to the point where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?

Sexless and Desperate

Your husband—who’s beating off three times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD. He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship.

Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If sex doesn’t matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you’re a good and loving partner and co-parent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.

And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired to fuck you three times a week instead of his fist.

I’m 21, female and pretty experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise, seeing as I’m his first, and that has arisen—the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg. I’m at a loss. Obviously, this is going to take a lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us?

First Isn’t Really Sexy Time

Mess around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes, we can get hard, yes, we can stay hard, yes, we can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re going to doing before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing it and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting him guess.

And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi; young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving, hilarious and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.

I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I’d like to share what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come but was hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for you. My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife, was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a Ziploc bag and put it in the freezer. Then during our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps, now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in her. Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes that use human semen?

Coming Around to Cream Pies

Frozen spermcicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff. So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little Tantric woo-woo. “Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make yourself come without ejaculating; or, you can ejaculate a little and still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm’ where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She loves it.”

As for your questions …

“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”

And while I’ve never cooked with sperm—if it’s not in Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at all—there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

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Comments 1 - 14 of 14
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1. Preggo and tortured said... on Apr 17, 2009 at 07:44AM

“So my husband and I have been married for going on five years and are pregnant with our second child. Recently my husband seems to have lost complete interest in sex. I am a very horny girl and I have always been so, for the first part of our marriage we had a open relationship but it sort of died off in the last 2 years or so and truthfully until recently I have found myself uninterested in other men anyway. Sadly my husband doesn't want to have sex anymore... with me at least.... I'm not fat in the least or anything like that, I look the same as i did five years ago give or take a few haircolor's ... What I don't understand is why he is doing this to me ! I have talked to him about it and told him how i feel and how much I need to have sex especially right now while I am pregnant, He had no problems last time we were pregnant. The shitty part is this.... I can't go out and have sex with someone else to ease my troubles because .. well who wants to have sex with someone else's pregnant women? I am going out of my mind and watching porn masturbating Isn't doing it for me anymore. I feel so angry at him! Like " You got me knocked up!!! Now I'm your responsibility to please! " (not that i would ever say that to him lol) I don't know what to do and I'm going crazy ! He married a super sexual girl and now he doesn't want to keep up his and of the bargain . He tells me sometimes that he just "Isn't as into sex as I am" , and i think...why did he persue me? I was very open about my sexuality from the start. It is and has always been one of the most important things in my life ! What do I do!? I love my husband and I'm scared that this will affect our relationship long term.”

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2. Frustrated said... on May 15, 2009 at 04:54PM

“I have the same issue. I have been married less than a year and have only had sex about 12 times with my husband. We have been together about 4 years and before him I pretty much "sewed my wild oats" or so I thought. I was very sexually active when I first started dating my husband and our sex was "okay" I always hoped it would improve. He has frequently had problems getting hard and most of the time can not ejaculate. He always blamed his problems on drinking or pot smoking - that should have been a huge wake-up call that sex was second to drugs and alcohol! After we got married and started trying to get pregnant, he promised me he would stop the porn and the drugs. He never stopped - he is just hiding them a little better than before. I found out a few months ago he had been whacking off to porn almost every night while I am going to bed horny as hell. When we do have sex it is usually shitty and feels like he is just banging into me basically masturbating on top of me. I have tried over and over to talk to him to improve our sex life but he has no interest. The more porn I find out about the more repulsed I am. I think his problem with ejaculating is being so familiar with his hand that any other sexual act makes it hard for him to climax. I am going crazy! I never thought I would be one to cheat but I am going out of my mind!!! I seriously consider porn cheating now - it is not fair that he gets to get off with other people and I have to restrain from MY sexual frustration. It is getting to the point that I get wet just when I notice a guy check me out and says "hi" to me.”

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3. Anonymous said... on Aug 17, 2009 at 06:23AM

“You ladies are not alone. I have been married for a little over two years and I have had sex with my husband a grand total of 6 times! Yet he masturbates daily because "it's easier" and he "doesn't feel close to me". Did I also mention that he cheats with ex's, hookers and anything else. I am beyond the point of disappointment. I am effing resentful..It hurts being rejected and being passed over in favor of a picture especially by the person who promised to love and cherish..I feel cheated out of a normal sex life. I am in the prime of my life and am being forced to masturbate. I don't even care if he agrees to an open marriage (he doesn't..he just wants to cheat and make sure I don't have any. Am I being punished here?) The intercourse we do have is just that..lame, boring, quick and uneventful. I don't orgasm, I don't receive any foreplay and it feels like he is just trying to get it over with and shut me up. I bet he puts more effort into fucking his fist.”

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4. Hurt, mad, feel unloved said... on Sep 23, 2009 at 06:24PM

“I feel the same as you girls and here is my story. I met my husband almost 10 yrs ago,married 7 we lived together for 3 yrs before I married him. Now for the last 7 yrs of the relationship/marriage, the sex went from a few times a week, to a few times a month and then months in between, to now 1 yr and 4 months. He's jacked off to porno on line, hid it and when I found it would say that it just comes on there by itself, or it's an advertisement, but I've caught emails where he signed up for free passes, etc. He went away to truck driving school and was away for a few months and he takes the last of our money and buys a porno magazine and had hiself a grand ole time out on the road and didn't touch me while he was home. Since then he's jacked off to porno, while I lay behind him in bed asleep and had not touched me in months. He's given me the excuse he's not wanted to have sex because he's stressed out, the house isn't cleaned enough, that I hurt and it puts him off, anything and”

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5. hurt, med, feel unloved said... on Sep 23, 2009 at 06:28PM

“everything he could come up with that sounded stupid. Fast forward to today. He told me that he was tired of the same ole thing all the time. He forgets about all the adult toys, outfits, etc, that he asked for and I got. I asked why didn't he just walk away "he doesn't know" but now wants to try again, now that I'm talking about leaving him. I've given him chance after change, counseling, etc. Counselor told him he was crazy to have a wife like me and do nothing. I'm not fickel or anything, but I refuse to lay there while he's using my body, but watching and thinking of another woman(insert the correct frase) to get him off. No thanks !”

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6. Anonymous said... on Oct 2, 2009 at 09:44AM

“Don't try to please a guy like this, or lower yourself to think you're not good enough.... This type of man is immature, stuck emotionally and mentally at about age 14. They are selfish, too self absorbed to consider your needs, and too lazy to exert the energy to get it on!!! That's it. It really is just that simple. They are simple little boys with hard- ons. You deserve better. They want you to feel insecure, it's better than admitting that they're a gigantic childish loser who can't stop wacking off. Set aside your own life... he may be so "busy" he won't even notice your building up to your own independence, because honey, you're ALONE already... This is unacceptable. These guys are worthless as a partner. Too selfish and lazy for real love. Go and get a real man. One who will be there, an equal, interested partner... not beating off in the next room alone. ACK! Get rid of him.”

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7. Nicolette said... on Oct 13, 2009 at 04:31PM

“I've been in a previous relationship where I was continually lied to about porn. It started off me catching sites, to finding paid subscriptions.. and every time we would argue.. another membership was bought. I was so tramautized this.. and thankfully, left him for good. Trouble is now, I just discovered a porn site in my new relationship ( long distance), and I just moved to his city.. and i flipped out! I am SO SCARED of the lying of the past , coming back to haunt me.. I know that unfortunately, my ex's addcition, became a REAL self esteem problem for me. And I want to just let it go.. i mean.. i wasnt even in town.. big deal.. BUT.. Im so scared that the double porn life lies lurking around somewhere with this one.”

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8. Ms.4ren6 said... on Nov 1, 2009 at 07:44PM

“This is happening to alot of married chics...Truth is...There's nothing you can do...The only thing that seems to be the common factor to the problem is...after we give birth....we become moms...and I guess being a mom for some men...mean not being the sexy eye-candy we once were...I have two things to say about that...First of all...MOST of us get married TO have kids and a family...If we wanted to be sex symbols we would'nt get married in the first place...Second...being called a MILTF isn't half bad LOL...Oh yeah...About my ex-husband...I left that sorry Bitch sitting at that computer...and now...let's just say...I landed my current husband 5 years ago who has shown me that real love/ sex doesn't come from the internet...”

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9. Anonymous said... on Dec 24, 2009 at 05:54PM

“I am 37, was dating a guy who was 50.Most of our fights and arguments was about him jacking off to porn. We were only dating for a year and a half before he left me. It started as a long distance relationship, so I didn't say anything, When we moved in together and I caught him, it was on. I finally told him that he would have to choose between me and the sights. His argument was that every man looks at naked woman and that it does't mean anything. Well.... needless to say I'm single. "You will go before the computer.”

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10. Fed UP 2011 said... on Jan 1, 2011 at 10:28PM

“All these years I thought i was alone !!! I have been in my relationship for 5 years now. With every up and down possible from cheating with ex's people we work with lieing sneaking betrayl , and porn... All in all my self esteem and confidence has always sufferd from this . I have tried to explain to him how this hurts me and makes me feel and there is always a reason for his mistakes, one he put the porn on the site to see if i would go through his things , the other women never nagged him ,on & on and ON !! .. At this point iam done. I agree with the ladies who say after a while you gotta leave him and find someone out there who is all the things a women deserves..”

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11. Anonymous said... on Oct 25, 2011 at 03:22PM

“Girls I'm hurt, mad and feel ugly... I have to bag and fight my husand to have sex with me I have never had to beg for sex in the past I used to get call backs cause man thought my shit was on an popping so I no I don't do it wrong but my husband rather jack off to porn and get handle by his hand then he would by me it pretty sad but at the same time it hurts... This is sad to say but I'm 26 and he 22 and u would think that he would want it but he blames it on that fact he was lock up for 3 yrs 5 yrs ago... the only time he will do ay thing more often is if I buy him sex pill but after time they get pretty expensive and then I feel like I'm buy my husband to have sex with me man this sux but when we try to talk he just turns his back on the wituation qand say I have problems...”

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12. Anonymous said... on Mar 20, 2012 at 09:05PM

“Who ever gave the reply to the post "My Husband Is More Interested In Porn" ..Very well thought and smart reply ..Thank you ...i could have not said it better than you.

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13. Anonymous said... on Jun 10, 2012 at 10:45AM

“I'am probably the oldster here but I've been married 45 years and my husband has only had sex with me once in all those years. He also moved all his things to the basement and started working the midnight shift the day after we were married. He told me me he didn't care what I did stay in the marriage or move on. Also he didn't care wheather I had a boy or girl friends he just didn't want to be bothered by me. His words were don't talk to me and don't bother me.I'm sure he was jackin off all these years. Over the years I;ve been getting on the side, actually I'm Bi-sexual now love the gals also.”

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14. Anonymous said... on Nov 4, 2013 at 11:27AM

“I am 30 yrs old I have 5 beautiful kids that I am crazy about 4 from previous relationship. And 1 with the man I am currently involved with it has been a crazy one I tell you, I am ccurrently pregnant at this time and I am so lost cause now he asks of me to get an abortion we are no longer intimate he is forever on his phone computer looking at porn girls email him from sex sites it makes me sick I don't know what to do we been together for almost 6yrs I think its to early for a relationship to dry up but then I don't know when we make love he doesn't touch me like he use to I try to find answers but I really need to know why is it like this”


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