British Conservatives Also Suck

So why do Americans love them? Also: 'The Wire' sucked. And so did 'Battlestar Galactica.'

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 11 | Posted Mar. 29, 2009

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Americans love right-wing Brit Dan Hannan. Why?

We live in amusing times.

Last week were treated to the hilarious spectacle of America’s bug-eyed crazy right-wing media bubbleheads pissing their monogrammed pink silk knickers in excitement over bald, posh, right-wing Brit Dan Hannan —a horribly grey little man who made an astoundingly dull speech to the European parliament attacking British prime minister Gordon Brown.

To hear the squeals of near sexual pleasure coming from the U.S. conservative circus clowns, you’d think the racist, alcoholic corpse of Winston Churchill had dragged itself from the grave and copulated with Margaret Thatcher who then spat from her withered womb the first of a new breed of super-Tory that’s gonna save us all from the perils of compassion, equality and social justice with scorching rhetoric, deadly logic chopping and the amazing ability to make speeches using complete sentences.

In actual fact the aforementioned Conservative party MEP Dan Hannan  is just another boring, bald English upper-class reactionary—typical of the identikit conservative-clones that Britain’s socially-warped and sexually repressive elite private boarding schools spew out in their privileged, stodgy, prematurely middle aged and thoroughly brainwashed thousands.

And as for Hannan’s speech—what it lacked in substance it made up for with a total lack of style. So why all the girlish enthusiasm among the shell-shocked Mad Max types who roam the wreckage of American conservatism?

Could it simply be that Hannan has got a posh British accent? For the truth is that Hannan is no more articulate than Rush ‘Limbo’ Limbaugh, no more eloquent than Michael White, and certainly no less politically clueless than poor old Bobby Jindal. But American right-wingers are suckers for a bit of Brit posh. Look at the way they licked the roast chicken-skinned ass of Margaret Thatcher. Or how they got down on their knees and feverishly sucked the weasel-thin phallus of that pop-eyed poltroon Tony Blair.

Could this frankly rather embarrassing need of the American right to chomp posh British cock be because U.S. conservatism has subconsciously rejected the very notion of democracy and is thus instinctively drawn to the cut-glass accents of this nation’s former imperial masters? I think this is almost certainly the case. And it would certainly explain why both wings of modern American conservatism have become so profoundly anti-democratic—the social conservatives pushing for a theocracy; the libertarians wanting to take power away from elected politicians and hand it to unelected multinational corporations.

They just want to be ruled by someone, anyone—just so long as it’s not the American people.

• Now just a quick message now to newish Philly band Kill You In The Face. Lads, you have a fantastic name. So fantastic, in fact, that I expected your music to sound like an air raid on a zoo. Alas it doesn’t. I checked out your MySpace page  and your songs all suck. Which is why I am now officially taking your name away and giving it to a band that rocks. But do not despair. I’ve spent several minutes thinking up names that sum up the sickly, emo-ish priggy-prog drivel you produce. Please feel free to use one:

Sweeney’s Children
Old Enough to Grow Beards
Lime Green Tibetan Hippy Twat
Hat With Ear Flaps
Two Of Us Wear Glasses
And You Shall Know Us By The Trail Of  Tissues
Mouse Cock
Fussy Eaters

And while we’re taking out other people’s defanged, declawed and safely tethered sacred cows with a bazooka …

The Wire. Best TV program ever blah blah blah (although in truth it isn’t fit to eat the peanuts out of Deadwood’s poo). So real. So authentic. Yeah well, maybe. I certainly couldn’t fault the show for its veracity when it came to the drug trade. But then you could write what I know about the drug trade on an unexcited gnat’s foreskin. But during the last series The Wire’s writers dissected the newspaper biz (a gig I do know a little about). And it did so by trotting out a series of tired old anecdotes—the photographer who takes his own teddy bears along to fires for instance—that have been banging around the journo biz for decades. Which makes me wonder just how accurate the drug stuff really was.

Battlestar Galactica. Am I the only person in the entire world who found all the religious bullshit increasingly irritating and boring? Inserting prophetic visions and dreams and other mumbo-jumbaloid superstitious wank into a science fiction show is fine, as long as the stuff is eventually rationally explained or debunked. Otherwise it’s just lazy ghost-in-the-machine fantasy-genre laziness. “A wizard waves his wand and makes everything all right. Huzzah!”

I loved BSG when it started. Hell, evil robots nuke humanity; Tank Girl-style drop-dead-gorgeous and utterly fucked-up alkie not-actually-a-lesbian tomboy space fighter pilot swears sexy vengeance —what’s not to love? But by the start of the last series I was bored, frustrated and pissed off with the endless ooga-boogas ning-nang-nongery. Was I alone? I didn’t see a glimmer of criticism in the spluttering fanboy hyperbabble that surrounded the show’s finale. Kinda reminded me of watching the profoundly anti-feminist Spencer Tracy/Katharine Hepburn movie Woman of the Year (which ends with Tracey gleefully gay-bashing Hepburn’s male secretary off-screen by smashing him in the head with a bottle) and then seeing a couple of dumb-as-fuck 21st century Ameritards on TMC analyze the film as being marvelously progressive. Are you people all stupid or on drugs or what? And if the latter, can I have some?

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Comments 1 - 11 of 11
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1. Anonymous said... on Mar 30, 2009 at 07:20AM

“No one hugged you much as a child, isn't that right?”

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2. Steven Wells said... on Mar 30, 2009 at 09:18AM

“Interesting theory. Are you suggesting that the more you hug a child, the more likely it is that he or she will grow up unopinionated? Do you have a similar psychological explanation for the behavior of people who post on the the internet anonymously?”

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3. England, nation of tards said... on Mar 30, 2009 at 06:27PM

“I'm intrigued by the headline "British conservatives also suck." Meaning, in addition to...the British left? And the British center? Well, sign me up. This just might be the most accurate thing you've ever written.”

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4. yeah, grate shitting, country of shit said... on Mar 30, 2009 at 09:33PM


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5. Vincent W said... on Apr 1, 2009 at 06:31AM

“wow...way to take a shot at the conservatives and jsut call them dumb and idiotic. GOD FORBID some 1 steps up to the massive spending going on in our Countries. We will just quell it by disscrediting them and sayign there jsut idiotic Conservatives..”

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6. Steven Wells said... on Apr 1, 2009 at 12:19PM

“So you want us to just forget about George W Bush's trillion dollar war of choice on Iraq? You guys really think you can just wash your hands of eight years of spendthrift, fiscally suicidal craziness? Really? Funny conservatives! Now say sorry.”

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7. Chris said... on Apr 8, 2009 at 03:13PM

“I find it funny how a local band managed to take a hit in an article clearly larger than them. And even though this does fall under the Opinions section, you're bashing a band (which you think sucks) more so on the fact that they are not something of a hardcore/metal band as you had assumed from hearing their name.
I personally like this band. I think it's awesome to hear something that is not the same old garbage thrown out on stations like Q-102 and WYSP. They have catchy tunes that change up and keep you wanting more. That's my opinion at least.”

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8. Chris said... on Apr 9, 2009 at 10:22AM

“And another thing about the "critique" you gave for Kill You in the Face. How about actually saying why you think the music sucks rather than speaking like a grade school student and just saying it sucks. Maybe something like "I didn't like the vocals" or simply own up that it just isn't your taste of music. I've noticed that most reputable music critics actually discuss the music rather than a simple "it sucks" like you had done.”

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9. Anonymous said... on Apr 10, 2009 at 03:00PM

“That Citypaper article that brought your attention to Kill You in the Face says that the band's sound has been "evolving" and ended up in a different place than the name maybe intended at first. Although I'd love to see a "Mouse Cock" side project from these guys, it's totally reasonable that their sound, rather than remaining static, has "outgrown" the name. But that doesn't necessarily make it gimmicky/sucky...”

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10. Christina Mckenzie said... on Feb 10, 2010 at 07:51PM

“Vote BNP 2010!

Kick Muslim and leftist scum out of here! Say no the the Sharia Laws! This is England. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< right here

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11. john mccarthy said... on May 8, 2010 at 06:54PM

“I grew up in londom,coming from Ireland.Please tell me what is going on with what i thought was the best country in the world.Is this the end of the empire or is this a back down to every person that steps off a plane or boat.Please bring this great ENGLAND back to what is ENGLAND.Stop all the CRAP PLEASE.JOHN NCCARTHY.GOOD LUCK.”


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