Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 2 | Posted Feb. 25, 2009

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illustration by robert ullman

My boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he won't kiss me if I have his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We've talked about this, and he won't even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after going down on me. I just want him to try. Is there something wrong with asking him to taste himself? I do it all the time and love it.

Missing Kisses

It's funny your question--with its hint of gay panic--should arrive today. I've been on vacation with the family all week snowboarding in beautiful British Columbia, and what I enjoy most--besides the snowboarding and the half-naked, fully stoned Australian snowboard instructors lolling around in hot tubs at the end of the day--is watching the straight boys who refuse to sit four to a chairlift. They want to ride up alone or ride up two at a time on a four-seater with two empty seats between 'em. They seem to think gayness can be contracted through thigh-to-thigh contact.

Which it can.

Now, MK, there's kissing someone with your come on her breath and then there's kissing someone with your come in her mouth. It sounds like you're interested in the latter, which makes it sound like you're interested in passing some of your boyfriend's load into his mouth--i.e., snowballing--and not simply being rewarded with a kiss, his come on your breath, for a blowjob well-done. And that's an entirely different wad of spunk.

Just because you enjoy tasting yourself on his lips doesn't mean your boyfriend will enjoy or should have to enjoy mouthing his own load. First, there's a significant difference in volume and consistency between you kissing his glazed lips and him eating his own spunk. And then there's this: After a woman comes, MK, she's still in a groove, still capable of more orgasms, still cranked up. After ejaculating, a man is essentially uncranked. He's not capable of another orgasm (not right away, anyway)--he's been knocked out of his groove. So even if the idea of snowballing appeals to a man as you're blowing him, it might not hold the same appeal the moment after he comes.

Some men are afraid of tasting their own come because they believe that doing so, like sitting too close on a chairlift, can turn a guy gay. And it's not an unreasonable fear: not because it will turn a guy gay, but because, judging from my mail, a lot of women are convinced that any man who would taste his own come must secretly be gay. It's possible that your boyfriend is dying to taste himself, MK, but like the boys on the chairlifts, is afraid of getting a reputation if he goes ahead with this and you blab about it to your friends.

I'm at a heavy-metal show at a dive bar as I write this. There are tons of guys I consider hot here, 98 percent of whom, I'm sure, are straight. But I got a vibe off this one guy. This is such a macho environment, though, that there's a considerable amount of danger in asking the question, "So, you gay?" I remember an episode of Law & Order where Jerry Orbach tried to determine if a suspect was in AA by asking a secret question. Something like, "Are you a friend of Bill W.?" The idea was that the question was innocuous if you weren't in AA. Since you are the king of "santorum" and "pegging" and "saddlebacking," I thought maybe you could invent a secret question for masculine gay men in masculine environments. Something like, "Hey, do you like to barbecue?" So how 'bout it? Can you declare the official secret are-you-a-masculine-gay-guy question?

Men Are Cute Hot Objects

The best I could come up with on my own, MACHO, was this: "A Little Night Music--original Broadway cast recording or original London cast?" But that line will get your ass kicked in a lot of gay bars--as I know from bitter experience. So let's toss this out to my readers, the folks who came up with the definitions for "santorum," "pegging," and "saddlebacking": Okay, gang, we're looking for an innocuous question that 1) all

fags everywhere would know the answer to but 2) no straight guys anywhere would. My long-suffering interns--their uniforms chafe--await your suggested questions at mail@savagelove.net.

I had to refrain from opening this with, "Hey, asshole!" (oops, guess I kind of just did) after reading your advice to Sex Best One on One, the woman who married a man who warned her that he couldn't be monogamous and who then realized she couldn't share him. While I agree with your assessment of SBOOO's husband-- up-front, honest--your assessment of SBOOO is obviously influenced by your need to have a good rant at polyamory-unfriendly marriage counselors, family, friends and the world at large. SBOOO doesn't have to apologize for who she is (not as willing to do long-term nonmonogamy as previously thought) to elitist, more-liberated-than-thou jerk-offs (hint: you!) after giving it a good fucking try (12 times!). Pun intended. Loving Toronto Reader I'm a polyamorist. I'm always up front with my partners about this, especially if I want to get serious with them. So many people seem to say that they're fine with it out of some kind of misguided assumption that they can eventually change my mind. You know, "Polyamory isn't real; it's just a phase!" You know, like being gay. I just wanted to say thank you for your reply to SBOOO! I couldn't have said it better myself. That was an absolutely fantastic response. Just like you said, counselors (and for that matter, family members) always see the polyamorist as the bad guy, unreasonably refusing to take the simple easy route of strict monogamy. It was really nice to finally have someone stand up for us. Thank you! While I'm sure you enjoy positive feedback, saying thank you is cheap. A lot of times you plug various charities and causes in your column, is there any group you'd like me to donate to as a more concrete symbol of my appreciation?

Longtime Fan

Some folks think I was too hard on SBOOO, some think I was just hard enough. Like I said in my original response, I intentionally came down hard on SBOOO to compensate for the vast and overwhelming majority of advice professionals who would, per LF, side aggressively with her because a nonmonogamous partner--even an honest one like SBOOO's mate--is always perceived as the bad guy.

For the record: I am not biased toward nonmonogamy. But I do think monogamous people should be with each other and should refrain from marrying folks who are self-aware enough to inform them in advance that they don't think they're capable of being monogamous.

Some folks who wrote in about my advice for SBOOO raised a good point: I should've come down on the husband as well. If nonmonogamy was a deal breaker for him, then he was a fool to marry SBOOO before verifying her ability to be nonmonogamous. Agreed. So, for the record: SBOOO's husband? You're an idiot, too.

Finally, LF, I'm always happy to see money go to Planned Parenthood.

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1. LadyVeePhilly said... on Mar 5, 2009 at 09:03AM

“To Missing Kisses:
I agree with Dan: regardless of the reason, your boyfriend doesn't like the idea of being kissed while you have his cum in your mouth. Just because you don't mind being kissed after receiving a lil' tongue action doesn't mean he's obligated to feel the same way. Might I suggest that you stop making an issue of it-because making your partner uncomfortable about any aspect of sex can hurt the relationship. I say these things because I am like your boyfriend, I HATED IT when one of my exes used to eat-me-out and then, while caught in the excitement, give me a slippery, passionate, cunt-smelling kiss. Ugh!!! I eventually broke up with him because he was waaaaaaaaay more into me than I was into him, and because he was a control freak. Everything had to be his way, all the time, Including sex. So if you don't want to ruin your relationship, lay off your boyfriend: especially if everything else between you two is great.”

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2. Anonymous said... on Aug 24, 2009 at 05:17PM

“The taste of cum changes depending on what you eat. I'm sure if you search Google for the right words you'll find a site that will give you a "menu" of foods and the tastes they can produce. Perhaps you should give him a menu and let him choose his taste.”

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