Philly's Favorite Barman Knows All

NEWS AND OPINION

By Fergie

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Dec. 20, 2006

Now that we're in flu season, do you have any personal strategies to keep colds and sickness at bay?

Medical advice from Fergie. This has to be a first. But since you asked ...

I do my best to avoid such illnesses by being proactive. You know, the usual shite: dosing up on vitamin C, echinacea and even something called oscillococcinum.

If you can't get your hands on such a remedy at the first sniffle, then try saying "oscillococcinum" three times while running around the perimeter of your home backward. Be careful, though, as mispronunciation can lead to a curse of seven years of bad sex and a lifelong rash of indeterminate origin.

But seriously, folks, to battle these winter bugs effectively, you must hunker down deep in the trenches of sweat and bed sheets, bolstering your defenses with a bunker of hot toddies and an armory of noodle soup. But sometimes these stratagems aren't enough. That's when I get kitted-out for a world war-like fight against the common cold.

First up is the winter supply of flannel and long johns. Simple enough. Just put the fucking things on. Next up is a large towel wrapped around the head in turban-like fashion. This is to keep the heat in your body. Now this is where we get tricky, as our next piece of clothing may be something of an old wives' tale.

Years ago I worked with two girls from Belfast, and every time one of them got a cold or a cough, they'd tie a nylon stocking around their throat, saying it worked some kind of magic on them. And sure enough they were always better the next day. So tie some nylons around your neck. All this battle dress put together, mixed with generous amounts of hot whiskey, should help you fight the good fight.

The next rule is to not let anybody see you in this state. I, being a beardy git, look absolutely fucking ridiculous with flannels, long johns, a turban on me nut and pantyhose tied around me throat--like a Hindu version of a cross between Grizzly Adams and Liberace.

Whatever it takes, right? Next year I may break down and get a bleeding flu shot.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Slainte!

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Got a burning question for Fergie? Email askfergie@philadelphiaweekly.com. Fergie presides over Fergie's Pub (1214 Sansom St. 215.928.8118. www.fergies.com) and has interest in other watering holes around the city.