Philly's Favorite Barman Knows All

NEWS AND OPINION

By Fergie

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 22, 2006

You've been in the restaurant/bar business a long time. Surely you have some war stories to tell.

It's easier to tell other people's stories than my own, so that's what I'll do. A friend of mine-let's call her Lizzy-has managed all kinds and sizes of restaurants through the years. One such restaurant was a large operation on the edge of Center City.

When Lizzy took over management of the restaurant, she discovered they had a bit of a rodent problem. Lizzy was all over that shit. Those poor wee mice didn't stand a chance against the wrath of Lizzy.

The glue trap was the biggest and most effective weapon used against the enemy. Lizzy was a ferocious commander in chief, keeping a tally of her daily victories on a chalkboard. However, one morning she had to deal with the enemy face to face.

Lizzy came into work really early one morning, before any of the staff arrived. All businesslike, Lizzy went about her work only to be horrified at seeing and hearing so many little creatures in pain around her restaurant. She didn't know how to get rid of them all in a humane manner, so she called up a friend and told her story.

She was advised to put all the traps in a bucket of water. Lizzy did as she was told. She filled a large bucket of water to the brim, rounded up all the glue traps with their ailing, squealing prey still stuck to them, and threw the bunch in.

A slight oversight on Lizzy's part, however: She filled the bucket with hot water, so instead of a simple, quick solution, she got chaos instead. The glue melted off the traps in the hot water, and the mice were set free.

Half-drowned, half-burnt, they started escaping over the side of the bucket, squealing, squeaking and screeching like miniature banshees on their way to hell. They hit the ground and ran around dazed, looking for cover, making a huge fucking mess and an awful racket along the way. Let's just say by this point the mice weren't the only ones screaming. Well, when the going gets tough, it appears the tough don't do as we think, but instead lock themselves in the office and sob.

For the record the restaurant has long since closed down, and Lizzy is still in the trenches every day, fighting the good fight, though somewhat humbler for seeing the casualties of her war firsthand. Slainte!

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Got a burning question for Fergie? Email askfergie@philadelphiaweekly.com. Fergie presides over Fergie's Pub (1214 Sansom St. 215.928.8118. www.fergies.com) and has interest in other watering holes around the city.