Philadelphia Weekly

I'm a smoker who's decided it's time to quit. But my boyfriend has a smoking fetish. He likes it when I smoke while we're having sex; he likes to jerk off and watch me smoke; he likes me to smoke and give him oral sex at the same time. His porn collection is all smoking related. I've really enjoyed participating in this fetish. However, I know I have to quit.

He's suggested I might be able to smoke on occasion, but I know I can't. I'm an addict and I know I won't able to smoke "just one" during sex. I'm worried my boyfriend will lose interest when I quit smoking. I know he loves me, but I'm worried his fetish is strong enough to ruin our relationship if it's not fulfilled.

Can a guy get over his fetish? Is there a way to replace his need for smoking with something that won't kill me? Or should I quit smoking and him at the same time?

Guys don't ever get over their fetishes, CTQ, so I'd urge you to quit smoking and quit the boyfriend at the same time. However fond he is of you, your boyfriend's smoking fetish predates your relationship, and I guarantee you it'll postdate your relationship as well. If you attempt to stay together after you've quit, your boyfriend will sabotage either your resolve or your relationship.

One way or the other, your boyfriend's going to be with a smoker. If you're serious about not smoking, he's not going to be with you. And if you find yourself tempted to take up smoking again to please him, just remind yourself no man is worth the risks. Cigarettes are disgusting, deadly and addictive. (I'm talking to you too, Thomas.) Everyone everywhere should stop smoking this instant.

Oh, and apropos of nothing: Shaunti Feldhahn (www.shauntifeldhahn.com), "a conservative Christian author and speaker, and married mother of two," recently wrote an op-ed touting conversion therapy for homosexuals. I speak for all gay people everywhere when I say I'm sick to fucking death of listening to straight fundies yapping about how easy it is for other people to change their sexual orientations.

Think it's easy, Shaunti? Then prove it, bitch, by putting your twat where your mouth is. After you convert your skanky ass from hetero to homo, I'll convert my skanky ass from homo to hetero. Give me a call when you're a carpet-munchin', vag-fistin' bulldyke-and bring the video, because I'm going to want proof-and I'll give up ass-munchin', butt-fucking faggotry.

Until then, shut your stupid fucking mouth.

My best friend is obsessed with a character from Yu-Gi-Oh! called Kaiba. She dresses up like him and even claims to have masturbated to the show.

It might seem okay for a 10-year-old boy to be this into a show based on battling cards, but my friend is a beautiful, intelligent 17-year-old girl. It's pointless! She constantly complains none of the real guys at our high school are as good as Kaiba. What can I do to help her?

Your friend's obsession is juvenile and retarded, NAMI, but I wouldn't call it pointless. Like a lot of high school kids, your friend probably feels pressured to be sexually active. (Pressured by you, perhaps?) Most not-quite-ready-for-sex teenagers hide behind Jesus' skirts when their friends ask why they're not fucking, but nonreligious kids have to be a bit more creative. Some, like your friend, invent grand/ tragic sexual obsessions that prevent them from dating mere mortals.

Your friend doesn't want you to think she's unhip, or that she isn't just dying to have sex, or that she isn't heterosexual, so she's convinced you (and perhaps herself) that she's obsessed with Kaiba. And you know what? That's just fine. Finding fault with all potential real-life boys is a way for her to avoid sexual experiences she's not ready for. So just back off, okay?

Apropos of nothing II: Joseph Nicolosi, a quack conversion therapist whom Feldhahn cites approvingly, has an interesting theory on how to make little boys straight: "[A father should] take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger."

This is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. I can't recall ever showering with my dad, and I'm certain my dad didn't drag my two older brothers into the shower and waggle his penis in their faces. (I asked.) And yet both my older brothers grew up to be straight. How'd that happen? And if exposure to great big cocks makes a guy straight, how come 10 years worth of exposure to my boyfriend's great big cock hasn't made me straight?

I'm a transgender gurl living in the heart of South Beach, Fla. I read your response to a woman who wanted to know if her boyfriend was gay because he had she-male porn on his computer. I must say you gave her a response worthy of praise. I couldn't have said it better-and I'm a living she-male type! I'm the girl the "straight" men go to after their female girlfriends go home. Funny, a couple of these very same guys are trying to IM me as I type this.