Philadelphia Weekly

CITY HALL:
THEY MAY NOT SLAY YOU, BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

It was as if the Earps had taken Council last week and all that remained were the lucky ones and those too dumb for anyone to care about killing. Considering Council had shot its drama wad right before Thanksgiving, it should stand to reason that last week's session would blow. And blow it did. But it wasn't just a bad session. It wasn't all that funny either. And like those your grandparents attended when they were young, this one required a long walk through several inches of snow, with needles of sleet serrating your face like hundreds of tiny knives. And if that weren't bad enough, when you finally found yourself in Council's crappy converted sixth-floor courtroom, you had to sit through an hour-plus of mind-numbing appropriations hearings, punctuated only occasionally by the uninhibited utterances of one Rick Mariano. >> "It's snowing, it's snowing," announced the gleeful councilman, pacing the room. "I always get discombobulated when it's snowing." >> Speaking of discombobulation, instead of the worn wooden seats that usually support spectators' butts, last week the room was a sea of black-and-red padded folding chairs emblazoned with a "Philadelphia Civic Center" logo so cryptic it looked at first like Arabic. Another new addition: a retractable black ribbon separating Council from the crowd. Of course the ribbon would've been better placed between those famous feuding Council members. Not that it mattered this time around, as the weather seemed to sap the spirit out of everyone but Little Ricky. >> Though we're not saying it was him, while Council was in caucus next door, someone coughed loudly and deliberately into the mike, deafening sensitive spectators and prompting former Fraternal Order of Police President Rich Costello to turn to a friend in the crowd and say, "What is this, candid microphone?" Either that or church bingo, what with all those wacky bill numbers and letters. >> Okay, so maybe they don't play bingo there, but the Mt. Airy Church of God in Christ must be serious about turning folks on to religion. Or maybe it's just the makings of a dirty mind that inspired our need to shower after Elder Larry C. Raye implored the Lord to "touch this Council ... Touch them in a special way." And indeed, you could say they were touched. But Jesus, guys, could you at least get a room? >> Move over, George Hamilton. Make room for Franny Rizzo, who seemed to sport a deeper, darker, more tropical tan than usual. Perhaps that was because, as the only Republican present, he had to represent for the dark side. >> And we don't mean the cops, either. "My favorite policeman," Joan Krajewski croaked in introduction of the outgoing FOP president. What's there to say about a retiring union leader? Except, well, what exactly is Costello's connection to the Shamans' Society? >> Then, as if a shaman had conjured him, Wyatt E. Earp Sr. acknowledged his role as the newly elected grand master of Pennsylvania's Prince Hall Masons. Who knew Wyatt Earp was a black Mason? Surely not the Masons themselves, who thought they'd elected some guy named Robert Wyatt Sr. >> But all the world's a stage when you're in Council. So why not be Wyatt Earp for a day? Hey, it's better than being killed.