Savage Love

By Dan Savage
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Jul. 31, 2012

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I have a question regarding pornography usage and browser histories. As a matter of courtesy to my wife (and anyone else who may use our devices), I always clear the browser history on whatever device (computer/iPad) I may have used to view pornography. I have always just assumed that she doesn’t want to see “Teen Anal Adventures” or “Lifestyles of the Deep and Fisted” when she logs onto the browser history. However, the other day, she noticed a blank browser history and berated me for “keeping secrets” from her regarding my masturbatory viewings. I thought I was following proper etiquette by erasing the browser history. Now I am not so sure. Your thoughts?

Wondering Husband Always Clears Kache

If your wife enjoys porn, doesn’t smut-shame you for enjoying porn, and wants to check out your browser history because she finds it titillating to review your recent porn picks, then stop clearing your browser history.

But if your wife hates porn and smut-shames you for watching porn, WHACK, then keep clearing your browser history. She’s not angry that you’re keeping secrets. She’s angry that you’re watching porn and she’s trying to create a lose-lose scenario for you. Watch porn and don’t clear your browser history? Get in trouble for watching porn. Watch porn and clear your browser history? Get in trouble for watching porn. The only way you can avoid getting in trouble? Stop watching porn.

And we both know that ain’t gonna happen, right?

So keep clearing your browser history, WHACK, which is the courteous thing to do. And ignore the wife when she tries to make you feel guilty about watching porn because that kind of inconsiderate, controlling, smut-shaming behavior shouldn’t be tolerated. (My response presumes that your porn consumption is moderate, WHACK, and that you’re not neglecting the wife’s needs for emotional and sexual intimacy in favor of alone time with your laptop. If your habits are immoderate and/or you’re neglecting her, then your wife has every right to be furious—at you, WHACK, not porn.)

I’m gay and so is my insanely attractive boyfriend. We have been dating for a year now. His attractiveness isn’t a problem … until it is. He enjoys getting compliments, and he gets them frequently from other gay guys. I am happy when he’s happy, but the frequency with which guys make passes at him has started to make me uncomfortable. I told him this, and he tells me he isn’t going to tell them to stop because he doesn’t see what the problem is. He tells me that it’s not like he’s making passes back and most of the time he insists I’m misinterpreting an innocent interaction. These guys are actively flirting with my boyfriend, and he takes it as a compliment! Am I being appropriately protective or am I being a jealous douche?

Scared And Protective

If your friends—yours and/or his—are making passes at your boyfriend, SAP, then you have a right to be angry. Good gay etiquette dictates that friends either refrain from making passes at insanely attractive guys who have boyfriends or that they make passes at the insanely attractive guy and his boyfriend. If your friends are making the passes at your boyfriend only, or they’re making passes at him and/or you when they know your relationship is exclusive, then you and your boyfriend need to let your disrespectful and/or clueless friends know that they’re being huge assholes.

But there’s not much you can do about strangers making passes at your boyfriend, SAP, particularly if your boyfriend enjoys the attention—and it sure sounds like he does.

You’ve got a hot boyfriend, SAP, and that has its perks. But it has drawbacks, too. Putting up with other people innocently hitting on your boyfriend is the price you’ll have to pay to be with this insanely attractive guy. Willing yourself to take these passes and your boyfriend’s clear enjoyment of them in stride, SAP, is a wiser course than allowing something that’s outside your control to become an ongoing source of conflict in your relationship.

Staying with friends of friends in their guest suite and discovered a “funnel gag” sitting on the floor next to the bed. My best guess is that it fell there after its last “use,” as it was on the side of the bed nearest the wall and could have been overlooked during cleanup. Do I say something? What’s the etiquette in a situation like this? What do people use these things for?!?

Guest Asks Graciously

People don’t use them to “water” stubborn plants, GAG.

The proper etiquette in a situation like this is to ignore the mislaid sex toy. Leave the gag where you found it and say nothing about it to your hosts, your mutual friend or any syndicated sex-advice columnists. Whether your hosts stumble over the gag after your visit or realize it’s missing and slip into their guest suite to retrieve it during your visit, GAG, your discretion will allow your hosts to tell themselves that you didn’t discover it.

I’m a senior in college and a lesbian, and I have a question about strap-on etiquette. My previous girlfriend and I bought one together, and I really enjoyed being on the receiving end of it. When we broke up, she took it since she felt like she had “bonded” with it. My current GF and I have been thinking of getting one, but I’m not sure how I feel about another joint purchase. I don’t know if our relationship will last after I graduate next spring, and the prospect of having to get a new toy every time I break up with someone isn’t appealing. Would it be reasonable, as a generally receptive partner, to buy a strap-on that I can bond with and ask future partners to use it? Is it selfish to be thinking of the eventual end of a relationship when shopping for toys?

Seeking Toy-Related Advice Pronto

A strap-on isn’t a funnel gag, STRAP. By which I mean to say …

Even if a strap-on is a joint purchase, even if it was purchased for the pleasure of the person “on the receiving end,” it’s not uncommon for the wearer of a particular strap-on—the person on the giving end—to come to regard the strap-on as an extension of her body and bond with it. Such was the case with your ex. And even if your ex had allowed you to keep that strap-on, STRAP, odds are good that your new girlfriend would also have seen that old strap-on as an extension of your ex’s body and insisted on it being replaced.

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