Here you talk about Thom Yorke's offset eyes and the way he dances. Throw in a few fan-unfriendly quotes (easily found via Google), and voila.
Coldday (in Hell): Why it will be a cold day in hell before I listen to Coldplay on earth.
(Also acceptable--"Coldgay: You know how I know you're gay?" From The 40 Year Old Virgin)
Mars Low Bars: How style usurped substance and turned legions of hipster d-bags into the butt of an inside joke between two guys with afros.
(Note: The crux of any Mars Volta-is-the-worst argument should start and end with "it's not music.")
(I Won't) Get in the Van: Mixing the title of Henry Rollins' Grammy-winning tour diary and the name of Van Morrison, the world's most snooze-inducing Irishman who doesn't even have the decency to be an entertaining drunk.
Jones' Insufferable Moans: Why Welshman who sing R&B are more sad than a tub full of drowned puppies.
Smeltin' Elton: Why the world's foremost Donald Duck impersonator needs to make like the earth and fade away.
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