Your Favorite Band Sucks

By Brian McManus
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 6 | Posted Feb. 4, 2009

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illustration by: ALEX FINE

Last week Ron Rosenbaum wrote a 1,700-word article for Slate explaining Billy Joel is so awful. Before that, J.T. Ramsay wrote an article at Comcast.net, "It's Time to Fire the Boss," explaining why we should get rid of Bruce Springsteen. Rob Harvilla of the Village Voice found himself in the crosshairs of thousands of Neil Young fans after he suggested Young's new album be avoided. Elsewhere, we at PW started running a column about six weeks ago, "Week's Worst," wherein we shit all over what we deem the week's worst show. (Great title!)

All these pieces have one thing in common: They drive traffic. Really, they're huge hits! They make fans of the artists livid, you see. And those fans tell other fans, who might even post it on a message board where it'll be discussed and clicked and clicked again.

And so the cycle goes. Fires are fueled and pageviews go up. Death threats are emailed (hello, fans of Badfish!).

You know this already, of course. Why tell you again? Simple. I want to help.

Say you write for a blog or are interested in breaking into music writing (bad time, but whatever). What do you do? My advice would be to stop writing about the bands that inspire you, and start writing about the ones you dislike intensely. Hell, you don't even have to mean it. Fake can be just as good, as Blonde Redhead said (P.S., they suck). The numbers don't know the difference. Below you'll find the names of several acts that have large and devoted fan bases. I've started you with a potential headline, subhead and (in some places) an angel suggestion.

Once you've written one, gotten it published and become the focus of the intense ire of thousands of dickhurt fans, send me a thank you to the email above. I'll get to it as soon as I delete all these death threats from Badfish fans.

Neil Young

Forever Dumb: Why Neil Young should have quit when he still was ...

 

Willie Nelson

Free Willie: Why the red-headed stranger should stop making music now that a) he's gray and b) we know him.

 

AC/DC

Get Off Their D. I. and Go C. My K.: Unplug them or take out their batteries, I don't care. Just don't make me listen to AC/DC's four standard chords again.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 6 of 6
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1. Terry Moran said... on Feb 3, 2009 at 06:58PM

“The unheralded, and forever uncompromising artist here is Billy Joel. He knew when to walk away at the top of his game. He had the balls to just say "Fuck it. I don't want to play this stupid game anymore. Take this job and shove it." But, of course, no one will give him credit for that, just as no one will give him credit for anything.”

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2. JethroCorleone said... on Feb 6, 2009 at 07:46AM

“What the hell are you talking about? He didn't walk away! He is still doing shows. I used to think he was awesome just because he used to nail Christie Brinkley. Now, he is just sad. He is no longer artistically relevant, and he no longer nails Christie Brinkley. On second thought, he is more than just sad. Now, he is just depressing.”

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3. tommyg said... on Feb 9, 2009 at 03:37AM

“Could someone please tell me - is the FYE store on Broad st closing down? I heard that the band American Speedway (who is playing there Fri Feb 13th around 4:30) is going to have a free show with free t-shirts and merch to "celebrate" this event. Is this true? tommyg ”

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4. Terry Moran said... on Feb 9, 2009 at 07:41AM

“Jethro - I was talking about the continual stream of mediocre new recordings that so many 'classic' artists keep putting out basically to make money for the record companies. They are no more "artistically relevant" than Joel - who left that part of the music biz a long time ago. ”

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5. Jethro said... on Feb 10, 2009 at 06:20PM

“Terry--I was talking about nailing Christie Brinkley! That was his greatest accomplishment. Think about it. He was SO ugly that his kids with HER even turned out UG-LEE. ;)”

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6. Terry Moran said... on Feb 20, 2009 at 03:29PM

“Jethro - I hope you have the balls to say that about Billy Joel's kid to his face. And I'd love to be there when he decks you.”

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