Grills, Girls & Gold: The Roots Picnic reimagined at the Plat

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Illustration by Adam Mazur

With everyone kickin’ back this past weekend, celebrating Memorial Day the best way we know how—by grillin’ and drinkin’ on porches and in Fairmount Park—we couldn’t help wondering what the scene would be like if a few of the slew pegged to turn in sets at the Roots Picnic this weekend were actually the Roots’ guests at a picnic at the Plat. What kind of party would that be? Would it involve cheesesteaks? Answer: Fun, and hopefully not.

- Grimes would bring the metal armor and neon pink hair extensions she used in the outstanding 10 million-viewed video for “Genesis” for shits and giggles. As a Canuck, she’d be a well-behaved guest who was sure to clean up after herself and bring a side dish in some Tupperware. Cole slaw, maybe?

- How To Dress Well’s a toughie, being that Tom Krell’s a pretty low-key and quiet personality. He might bring a small keyboard for R&B jamming’s sake and would obviously be dressed well, perhaps in a modern summer-weight suit.

- Gary Clark Jr. is a Texan, and Texans know how to barbecue. So we’re thinking he’d bring ribs, rub, some sauce and some blues to man the grill. No question he’d bring a guitar to the table to quietly wail out some American sadness.

- Naughty By Nature? Stickers. They’d bring some “O.P.P.” stickers to quietly and secretively put them on cute girls’ butts, right? And styrofoam cups, with a jug of gin and juice.

- Solange would be the belle of the ball, in all likelihood, the tall drink of water a vision before the Schuylkill in a sensible but stylish vintage dress, bearing small bottles of bubbly with straws and a handful of pansies.

- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis would undoubtedly be in thrift store duds, and maybe Mack’d don a spring fur, but one thing’s for sure: His hair game would be tight, fully styled with product and perhaps packing backup in case it got windy.

- Finally, the real party boy would be Trinidad James. He’d bring the kush, we’re pretty sure, or a bong or a blunt or papers or spliff. He’d hopefully sport plenty of gold to shine in the summer sun—ideally, in the form of gold-studded slippers as part of a tricked-out goody bag. And he’d win “Most Likely to Bring Purple Drink.” Hands down.

 

Sat, June 1. Noon. Sold out. Festival Pier at Penn’s Landing, Columbus Blvd. and Spring Garden St. ticketmaster.com

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