No, dudes, the flash forwards were purgatory. The flash sideways were heaven, the reality everyone wanted and the one that made them most content—filled to the rim with loving connections, spinal-cord injuries that could be cured instantly and vending machines that just needed to be unplugged to set free your stuck candy bar. The island? That represented hell. Because, as Buddhist teacher Stephen Levine once wrote, hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else . And you’ll remember, in Season 2, Episode 9, “What Kate did,” a bookcase in the home of Kate’s abusive stepfather. On it rests ... a book by Levine! (I think. They pan by it really quickly and it’s dark.)
Anyway, you’re welcome. I hope that offers some tiny relief.
Sunday, fans of Lost were left to sit with several unanswered questions after the series finale. For most of them—67 percent, according to a poll done by Entertainment Tonight (research!)—an overwhelming sense of deep, unwavering dissatisfaction has set in. I’m here to help. I don’t have all the answers. Or, for that matter, any of them. But I can offer something concrete. Not about Lost, but about music. (What did you expect?) Because every day new questions arise in modern music, and I can answer them all! In an attempt to restore some sense of order to your life, some smidge of black and white, I do that for you here, now.
Which major label is releasing the official album of the 2010 FIFA World Cup?
I have a friend who saw the Philadelphia Union play the New York Red Bulls a couple months back. He says his 12-year-old niece’s team could give our Union a run for their money. “After the game I wanted to give them all a plate of orange slices. They were abysmal,” he said to me after the game. Still, Major League Soccer arrives in Philly just as soccer’s biggest stage, the FIFA World Cup, is set to kick off in Africa. Pretty exciting stuff, any way you slice it. (Sorry. For the “kick” and the “slice.”)
The World Cup, in case you don’t know (read: are American), is a big fucking deal. So big, in fact, there’s even an official, original album commemorating it. It’ll be released by Epic on June 1, and its first song, “Sign of a Victory (The Official 2010 FIFA World Cup Anthem),” is sung by R. Kelly and the Soweto Spiritual Singers. Shakira is also on the CD. She sings “Waka Waka (The Official 2010 FIFA World Cup Song).” Official mascot song duties go to Pitbull and his track “Game On (The Official 2010 FIFA World Cup Mascot Song.”
Kelly will be on hand to perform “Sign of a Victory (Song About a Scoreboard)” at the World Cup opening ceremonies in Johannesburg. Shakira will perform “Waka Waka (A Song About Fozzie Bear)” at the closing ceremonies. Pitbull can’t afford a flight over, presumably.
What up-and-coming U.K. soulstress just cast a new video from top to bottom with kids from Degrassi: The Next Generation?
V.V. Brown. And it’s so, so sad. It’s the type of dunderheaded play for mass appeal artists from overseas sometimes make when seeking an audience on these shores. The song, “Shark in the Water,” is pretty great though.
Who is opening for legendary asshat money-grubbers KISS on their Hottest Show On Earth tour this summer?
You are, that’s who! KISS comes to town Aug. 6 on their Hottest Show On Earth tour (sponsored by Dr. Pepper) and are giving fans the opportunity to compete to be their openers (in a contest sponsored by Guitar Center). Over their 37-year, 80-million-albums-sold career (remember when people just bought anything?), KISS have had a number of openers you may have heard of—Bon Jovi, AC/DC, Rush, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest. Now, they’re giving you that shot via Guitar Center On-Stage, “an unsigned band competition that will provide emerging artists the chance to open for KISS at 22 of the band’s tour stops.” Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley will take pause from being complete cocks long enough to choose the winning band, which will also receive a $10,000 Guitar Center shopping spree. Registration begins June 1 at gconstage.com.
I’m thinking of Philly bands who could fit the bill here and am coming up blank. The unsigned worth crowing about aren’t exactly KISS arena tour opening material. Birds of Maya, maybe? That could be interesting. But barring that, nope, can’t think of one.
That said, the following is a completely serious offer: Let’s start a band! We have a long Memorial Weekend to get together and write two or three songs. Totally possible! We’ll make it a Philly project. You bring the guitars, the bass, the drums (no keyboards!) and a ravenous desire to open for KISS (or drop $10,000 on gear), and I’ll use my considerable influence and unchecked power as PW music editor to pull strings and curry favor for things I normally wouldn’t dare for fear of pissing away any remaining scintilla of journalistic ethics I may have (free studio time, free video product, what have you). This is KISS, after all. Ethics have no place here.
We can win this fucking thing, people! I figure we need two songs—something sounding like “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC or Black Sabbath’s “The Wizard.” Interested musicians can drop me a line at the email address by my byline. Serious applicants only!
(This answer brought to you by Philadelphia Weekly’s Concerts in the Park, which kicks off Aug. 11 with Phosphorescent.)
Who is the best band you’ve forgotten about with a new album out?
The Futureheads! Their new album The Chaos is loaded from front to back with speed-ballin’, mad-capped aggro pop-punk glory. They’re in town next Wednesday at the First Unitarian Church (for the first time in four years.) Rediscover them.
PW's Music Issue 2014