Bob Schriner Bites Back

Having grown weary of hitting the delete button so often, the comedy writer decides to tell a few publicists how he really feels about them.

By Bob Schriner
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 10 | Posted Aug. 31, 2010

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Photo by Fred Harper

When you write about music in any small way you end up on the email lists of every publicist in the industry. I usually delete the irrelevant emails. Sometimes I reply with a little snark. And sometimes I respond with hateful rants that sound like they were scribed by a schizophrenic war vet. Like the email discussions below, about a blues festival.

Hey Shitcocks,

Thanks for the heads up on the fest, I was going to run a marathon while straddling a salt-crusted wood saw, but this changes everything. The only thing better than self-mutilation is standing among a bunch of balding, denim-clad old men holding each other’s dicks while Jimmy Vaughan warms up a tepid afternoon crowd. Oh my god, I just peed. Alright, let’s talk guest list. I’m going to need a plus 20, transport and private shaded area to cool off from those hot licks.

With warm hands,

Bob

 

Bob,

We will not be giving out any comp tickets for media, thanks for your “interest”.

M.L.

 

Hi “M.L.,”

“I” “understand” “every” “event” “has” “finite” “funding” “for” “promotions” “and” “I” “appreciate” “your” “efforts” “to” “have” “me” “give” “you” “some” “free” “publicity.”

“Can” “you” “at” “least” reimburse” “me” “for” ‘the” “marathon” “registration” “fee?”

 

NO REPLY.

 

Dearest Cockhole(s),

It takes real guts to have a blues jam in the post-Jim Crow era. I applaud you. To be clear, I would rather drink a hobo’s semen, vomit it and gargle it while being sodomized by a lifesize bust of Kenny Rogers than come see a bunch of middle age fuck forks play that noodling horse shit. But, hey, business is business, right? I won’t hold being culture rapists against you ... if the check clears. Below is a rate sheet for my services, which I think are pretty competitive.

$50–Twitter event name (full 140 characters).

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 10 of 10
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1. Bill Chenevert said... on Aug 31, 2010 at 10:18PM

“Glorious!”

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2. JB said... on Sep 1, 2010 at 08:37PM

“Hi-freaking-larious, Bob! Christ, I love that LA smugness. We're so far behind, as always, like back in the 80s when we were still waiting for cable. I trust you've sketched out a few biting rejoinders to the kid who writes in to bash your mag for sponsoring some backward-looking indie rock package. Shouldn't be too far off if it hasn't happened already. Seriously, is something like moe.down that much cooler than these sorry blues fests? Really?”

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3. Owls Nest said... on Sep 2, 2010 at 01:22AM

“Out! Rage! Us! More, more, more, I want more. I can't belive you guys ran this, then again, it's funny as hell.”

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4. Timo Jones said... on Sep 2, 2010 at 06:54AM

“I'm calling bullshit on this. I don't know much about Bob Shitner, but I'll bet that Bob knows all about David Thorne and his website, http://www.27bslash6.com/. Why? because this article is nothing more than a blatant, sophomoric rip-off of the work on that site.

Shit, PW, if you're going to start being snarky to the point of complete and utter boorishness, find somebody ORIGINAL for Christsakes. I know it's tough has hell for you short-bus riding, self-serving chuckleheads to churn out one piece of half-decent editorial a week, (oooh! Septa sucks! Great investigative journalism there!) but this piece is nothing more than masturbation for the editorial staff. (because if you didn't agree with it, you wouldn't have run it).

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5. timo jones said... on Sep 2, 2010 at 06:59AM

“I'm not done yet: You people are a goddamned joke. Most of your ad revenue seems to be generated from massage parlors and ads for transsexual hookers, and your poorly-written pieces seem to be churned out by whatever trust-fund ivy league hipster douchebag English/journo major you suckered into writing for “experience” in lieu of an actual paycheck. I hope you fools like paying 300 bucks a year to the city to blog, cause at this rate, that’s what you’ll all be doing when PW folds.
I can’t believe this bullshit passed muster for the print edition. Awesome. Steven Wells must be rolling over in his grave (as whoever green-lit this running pisses on his headsone).

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6. MetMilo said... on Sep 2, 2010 at 10:06AM

“I happen to know the one and only Bob Schriner and I can assure you he's the real deal. You are probably just sorry you have now only stumbled upon the genius that is Bob Schriner. If you followed his other work, you would realize this for yourself. Instead you read thePW....sigh”

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7. Let Larry Live said... on Sep 2, 2010 at 07:28PM

“Oh I know it's hateful and childish, but I really enjoyed reading this. I also got a chuckle from Timo's rant. Funny how comments sections have replaced letters to the editor as a forum for grumpy, failed intellectuals to assert how nothing is really good enough for them. Good enough to complain, too good to actually contribute content. Also, if David Thorne was someone people knew, you wouldn't need to write in his url. Nice plug.”

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8. Insane Wayne said... on Sep 2, 2010 at 11:49PM

“Give this boy a knife...and a column. The muSICK biz needs it.”

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9. Flacido Domingo said... on Sep 5, 2010 at 02:24AM

“Hysterical!”

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10. cherry_hill_cherry_phil said... on Sep 18, 2010 at 01:26AM

“Asshole, what an asshole, I love it!”

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