Max Brenner Is Better for Kids
This new shop appears to be a chocolate lover’s paradise. It isn’t.
Hot shot: The Suckao—a concentrated burst of chocolate—has a fancy presentation but tastes like Hershey’s.
Even if you knew absolutely nothing about Max Brenner, even if you were an exchange student from Borneo or an alien just beamed down to 1500 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., U.S.A., from a distant galaxy, you’d know what was up the minute you swung open the door.
Chocolate. Good, virtuous chocolate. The aroma envelops you like a sweet fog as you enter Max Brenner, Chocolate by the Bald Man. Their first confectionary opened in 1996 just outside Tel Aviv, but I’d understand if you thought Willy Wonka owned this brand.
Inside, the Philly outpost (only the second in the U.S.) radiates an infectious, childlike joyfulness. Great propellers turn in tanks of ganache, creating shiny dark, milk and white chocolate whirlpools. Pipes crisscross the ceiling. Cardamom, pink peppercorns, dried chilies and cinnamon sticks crowd into glass containers with cork lids, displayed along the walls like exotic bath products. Rittenhouse housewives, University of the Arts students, Bala besties on Walnut Street shopping sprees and gay dudes on dates crowd the 115 seats in the caramel-colored bar and lounge, while freckled cartoon tykes scamper across the wallpaper in a chocolate-induced hysteria.
Spread across an eye-popping 11-page menu, Brenner boasts more than 30 sweet endings. I ate so much chocolate I actually had to order the pretty damn good grilled chicken satay—there’s an entire savory menu too, by consulting chef (and Chopped judge) Chris Santos of New York’s Stanton Social—for “dessert.”
On that menu, words like “crunchy bits” and “wafer balls” supplant “organic,” “fair-trade” and “shade-grown.” Cacao percentage is listed only for the truffles (70 percent). Bean origin isn’t listed at all (to wit: Mexico, Papua New Guinea, Java, the Ivory Coast), nor is the location of where the beans are secret-blended and turned into chocolate (a factory in Israel) before being shipped to the 20-some Max Brenner locations.
The absence of information is, at first at least, liberating. But when it eventually becomes apparent Brenner’s dessert repertoire relies on just three types of blended chocolate—white, milk, dark—palate fatigue sets in. Even the Suckao, “a small, dense, concentrated shot of rich chocolate,” was more like Hershey’s Special Dark than anything you’d call dense, concentrated or rich. Maybe the Max Brenner menu doesn’t brag about its chocolate because its chocolate is nothing to brag about?
In this town, there’s no question: You can get better, more interesting, more challenging chocolate elsewhere. What you can’t get elsewhere are funky Ocha teapots whose spring-loaded bottoms dispense aromatic chocolate chai when set atop sleek see-through mugs; ego-boosting bathroom mirrors with “you look extremely good today” etched into the glass; servers with dispositions as sunny as radioactive buttercups; and prices this reasonable.
Together, these and countless other sweet details unlock the door to a candy crunchies-sprinkled parallel universe where every guy is a Charlie and every girl an Alice; where I was almost willing to overlook how the strawberry-white chocolate milkshake had the chalkiness of a protein shake because it arrived in a charming ceramic milkshake glass that beckoned “Drink Me” in orange block letters.
Like Bonté, Brenner does waffles in the Liege style, but unlike Bonté, these lacked the gaufre’s signature slim builds, crunchy edges and caramelized pearl sugar pockets. In the banana split version, the breakfast grids came topped with bananas and drowned in chocolate sauce, with strawberries, blueberries, vanilla ice cream and extra chocolate sauce on the side. Combined with the chocolate deluge, the cakey, heavy-as-a-phone-book waffles stuck in my throat like peanut butter, strangely more so than a decent banana-topped dessert pizza that actually contained peanut butter.
The frozen lemonades, whose electric hues looked lifted from a Crayola box, should also be avoided. The watermelon (Shocking Pink) and mint (Screamin’ Green) flavors tasted as artificial as they appeared, though Brenner insists they contain nothing more than fresh fruit, ice and simple syrup.
If I had kids, I’d take them to Max Brenner. (Nurse Jackie took her rugrats to the Union Square location in episode nine.) But I’m a grownup, darn it. My tastes are sophisticated, and I won’t be swayed by complimentary mirrors and cute, cool, adorably awesome chocolate-drinking apparatuses … No! I’m going to Naked or Golosa, where the chocolate caters to adults. Just as soon as someone wraps up an Alice glass for me to take home. ■
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1. A CHOCOLATE LOVER'S DISAPPOINTMENT said... on Sep 8, 2009 at 11:07PM
“I AGREE ....WEAK CHOCOLATE ....I TRIED MAX BRENNER'S EUROPEAN THICK - STYLE HOT CHOCOLATE AND IT SUCKED....SOMEONE THERE EXPLAINED HOW THEY MIX THEIR DARK CHOCOLATE WITH VANILLA SAUCE??!?!? TO CREATE THIS MISTAKE....I'D RATHER GET A EUROPEAN HOT CHOCOLATE FROM "NAKED CHOCOLATE ". ITS REAL ALL THE WAY.....A TRUER VALUE AND TASTE FOR THE BUCK.”
2. Anonymous said... on Sep 9, 2009 at 08:38AM
“I agree wholeheartedly. This is like The Cheesecake Factory of chocolate, which, is kind of fun once, and then you realize it wasn't really worth the calories or the cost based on the lack of quality. The one point on which I disagree with Adam, is that MB has "reasonable prices." I think $14 desserts should taste A LOT better.”
3. Adair McGee said... on Sep 12, 2009 at 12:56AM
“Keeping the kid alive in everyone is part of the experience at Max Brenner. Have an excellent cappuccino, served in a kangaroo cup, under which rests a saucer inscribed with a motto most of us could take use of more often: "Stay young at Heart."
I bet most children will love the Sesame Salmon. Or the Catfish Tacos. Or the Strawberry Mojito...
I'm sure your tastes are indeed "sophisticated," but apply them to more of the menu before you toss Max Brenner in a category for children alone.
That said, it's a fun place to have delightful, interesting cuisine, and a youthful "chocolate" experience. There are restaurants-a-plenty throughout this fine city that make me feel like a pretentious adult, and this isn't one of them. Cheers for that Max Brenner, Cheers for that-”
4. rachelS said... on Sep 16, 2009 at 08:12PM
“The most wonderful handmade chocolates can be found at Antoine Amrani Chocolates. His new factory in E. Norriton is SO worth the quick drive from downtown. All freshly made-by-hand, no preservatives. Antoine learned a thing or 2 training in Paris and as Head pastry chef at Le Bec Fin for years. Yep, it's the real deal -- but hey...don't stiff the kids with the ordinary stuff. When I was there I saw all ages relishing the free tastes they give out and no one left empty handed. (including me) They ship everywhere too. AAchocolates.com”
5. Hanna Barbera said... on Oct 3, 2009 at 01:17PM
“Rachel S. must work for Antoine Amrani - I think her post was lifted directly from their press release. It's good, but not $100 a pound good.”
6. sharon hegel said... on Dec 8, 2009 at 11:08PM
“"I totally agree with Mr. Erase on everything except for one thing. I am going to have to disagree with him and everybody else on who the best in this town is. Max Brenners is definetly not Kosher, Naked Chocolate is not Naked at all (tastes synthetic like wax and not original at all) and Golosa needs to try making his own bon bons (what is the point). as far as the french guy well I have not tried him yet. I believed up until a year ago that the best this town had to offer was Naked Chocolate, boy was I wrong. I heard from a friend, also a chocoholic that there was a little Venezuelan restaurant located at 10th and Springgarden st. called Sazon. He told me that the best chocolate he has had in his life was there, so I went with some friends (lactose intolerant, soy allergies and just plain pains in the asses)and the owner served us and explained that he had 25 different hot chocolates as well as truffles. Who ever heard of Hot Chocolate made with roasted cacao beans and brown sugar and no milk or truffles rolled in organic superfood powders. The owner named Robert told us he uses only grass fed cows milk in his milk based chocolates and spring water in others. He corrected one of us when we asked for his hot cocoa, Robert told us that he doesnt use cocoa powder at all just gran cru chocolate from beans from the best plantations from all over the world. When the truffles and Hot chocolates arrived, the taste was amazing and the smells were intoxicating. He also told us that it pisses him off when people compare him to other chocolatiers because he knows that his products are far superior, and rightfully so. oh by the way both adults and children love the chocolate at Sazon."”
7. Anonymous said... on Jun 22, 2010 at 11:35PM
“Took my kids to Max Brenner today. They love the chocolate syringes, which to me, tastes like chocolate icing. We ordered the smores fondue...20$ for 6 marshmellows and 4 grahm crackers. When I asked for some more grams, they gave them but then charged us $1.50 for them!!!!
After paying 20$ for something worth about 3$, it was rather absurd to get charged for a couple of grahm crackers. It is a nice idea of a place, but the menu for chocolate is really limited and not that great. Would recommend many other dessert places than a chocolate pricey place. The only great thing is the ambiance.”