Philadelphia Weekly

Freshman memories of watching that ridiculous dancing banana Internet video notwithstanding, there's something innately comforting about a well-made PB&J. And something innately disturbing about one done wrong. Let what follows be a lesson: You don't mess with Welch's grape and Skippy.

If You've Got the Jaw of a Boa Constrictor
Good Dog (224 S. 15th St. 215.985.9600) might be one of the best dives going, but their misguided double-decked, over-banana-ed and under-peanut-buttered spin is a miss. Fitting your mouth around this over-stacked mother is hard enough, but the bone-dry birdseed bread and under-abundance of namesake ingredients (hello, it's a PB&J, people!) is no reward for your astounding feat of serpentine flexibility. B W M X D

If "Classic" Is Your Bag
There's something so right about grape jelly and peanut butter on white bread. Sure, it sticks to the roof of your mouth like spackle and makes you crave that least adult of beverages, milk. But some days your inner child just has to be fed. Shut that kid up at Cafe Loftus (136 S. 15th St. 215.988.9486) with the utterly traditional version and a tall, cold glass of moo juice. T

If Organic Makes You Drool
There's also the bizarre Cafe Loftus pear/pistachio version to cater to the crunchier crowd. Pistachio butter, sliced pears and cherry jam on whole-grain bread sounds great in theory, but does nothing to quell the whimpering brat inside you. W O X

If It's Comfort You Crave
Some rainy afternoon, wander into Devil's Alley (1907 Chestnut St. 215.751.0707) and plop down at the upstairs bar. Get yourself a Lancaster Strawberry-Wheat and a grilled PB&J, which arrives melty, messy and delicious. Now hunker down and savor, because what you have before you is the perfect grownup take on a timeless throw-back treat. M !

If Your Mouth Needs a Workout
Kids' menus are a nice idea, but not at the expense of baby teeth. Cos� (325 Chestnut St. 215.399.0214) serves a half-sized PB&J on its signature bread, but the chewing needed to get through this doughy misstep would blunt a child's molars in two bites flat. W D T

If You're Hungry
The name should be a dead giveaway, but in case you missed the sign, Potbelly Sandwich Works (1200 Walnut St. 215.546.1039) serves a seriously sizable sandwich. Their PB&J is Skippy creamy and made the right way--with Welch's grape (from an oh-so squeezeable bottle)--and is artful in its simplicity. M T

If Your Hips Are A-Shakin'
Every rule has its exception, and Mugshots (2106 Fairmount Ave. 267.514.7145) sure serves a delicious exception to Field Guide's jelly-and-peanut-butter-only rule. Their "Jailhouse Rock" is jelly-free, but served open-faced on moist wheat bread spread with organic peanut butter and bananas sliced--pay attention, Good Dog--length-wise and drizzled with local honey. Plus, it's available with bacon. B O W M !

Key

B: avec bananas
O: other accoutrements
W: wheat, grain or other unorthodox bread
M: messy
X: failed experiment
!: successful permutation
D: unforgivably dry
T: traditional sammich