Philadelphia Weekly

There's a fine line between information and too much information at Beneluxx Tasting Room, a gruyere grotto hidden beneath the Old City pavements.

Furnished with Tiffany lamps, gothic cathedral windows and a well-stocked cheese case, this monastic tasting room in the old SoMa space is the brainchild of Eulogy owner Mike Naessens. The Beneluxx concept is inexpensive, sample-sized portions of wine, beer, chocolate and cheese. Patrons can graze through dinner like free-range cattle. But before they attain hops-and-cacao-induced euphoria, they must tackle the menu. (Insert lightning and ominous thunder crash here.)

Typing paper and plastic slipcovers aside, the menu reads like a left-brain love letter from a Wharton finance major, formatted into an Excel spreadsheet and flavored with alcohol-by-volume ratios, Wine Spectator scores, cacao percentages and metric measures. Wordiness is an issue too. Sure, it's cool that the milkshake-thick la serena cheese comes from a Spanish breed of sheep prized for their viscous milk, and that Rouge HazelNut Brown Nectar Ale uses both crystal 80 and crystal 135 malts in its recipe. But is it really pertinent information?

It's a shame information overload weighs down the Beneluxx experience, because their raw offerings are superior. Cheeses are from America and Europe, and you can fashion an excellent plate that might include valdeon (a racy Spanish bleu) or the heady Sottocenere (flecked with black truffle) for less than $5.

Tables are rigged with clever (and fun!) glass-rinsing systems, but there's a plastic bottle of bleach cocktail (containing a superweak 0.0002 percent solution) nearby, should you require deeper cleansing between sips. "Only for use by cautious individuals," warns the label, as if it were a volatile potion from sophomore-year chemistry. Who exactly is drinking from our glasses that we need bleach-assisted sterilization? Rabid monkeys? Tila Tequila?

Served in glass laboratory beakers, the beers are crisp and fresh. The emphasis is Belgian, though there's a decent representation of local microbrews.

The servers, not the menu, should handle any Q&A, but the sunny staff isn't an especially informed group. My cheery waitress can't pronounce "gewurztraminer," and the cheese monger takes a half-hour to slice my gorgonzola dolce (creamy and pungent) and pecorino toscano (firm and nutty). I'm all for slow food, but this is ridiculous.

Ironically, the menu's mains could use more exposition. What's the "smart popcorn" that comes with the beer cheese soup? Are "Hillel's Snacks" Israeli-inspired treats, and if so, what's the desert-dry chicken-and-spinach panini doing in the holy land?

That "smart popcorn" is Orville Redenbacher's 94 percent-fat-free SmartPop, a curious addition that's nonetheless tastier than the bitter-edged ale soup itself. Baby greens and undercooked beets tumble overboard on the Beneluxx salad. The salad is too big for its small plate, as are pizzas, whose crisp crusts overhang the chic (but nonfunctional) dishes. Fortunately the pies themselves are pretty tasty, topped with everything from heirloom tomatoes to shrimp to meaty red buttons of chorizo. The Deutschland is decidedly breakfasty, piled with steak and eggs.

Nutmeg-sprinkled Swiss fondue unites emmenthaler and gruyere in blessed union of apple-dipping glory that requires spaghetti-style fork-twirling, while stale bread and tender filet tips can't cling to a bleu fondue that's broken from aggressive heat. Balsamic-drizzled robiquettes--crepe-rolled sausages of venison, wild boar and duck�--are infused with vanilla, pineapple, truffle, cantaloupe and Chinese five spice. Strange but delicious.

Chocolate is the obvious meal-ender. Though the cocoa beans hail from Tanzania, Madagascar and the Caribbean, the chocolate itself, crafted by the French houses of Valrhona and Cacao Barry, doesn't exhibit the same wanderlust. But why the French affection when esteemed chocolate-making traditions exist in Italy, Switzerland, and, um, Belgium?

On a return visit the bleach is MIA and the same server is noticeably more sure-footed, offering confident recommendations. Bravo, Beneluxx! Now all you need to do is turn that novel of a menu into a short story. Food should be fun, so relax with the info. No one likes a know-it-all.

Beneluxx Tasting Room
33 S. Third St. 267.318.7269. www.beneluxx.com
Cuisine: Beer, wine, cheese, chocolate.
Hours: Tues.-Thurs., 5pm- midnight; Fri.-Sat., 5pm-2am.
Prices: $0.50-$26.
Sound advice: Classroom quiet.
Atmosphere: Nightclub turned monastic chapel.
Service: A for effort.
Food: Excellent.