As Obama’a health care initiative limps toward the finish line, many politicians are rightfully unnerved by the inevitability of medical care being conservatively ladled out like bowls of brown sludge in Oliver Twist. When medicine mongers rule the world, it’ll be hard for the horny senior citizenry to get their hands on much-needed Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. These schlong swellers were once handed out like Tic-Tacs at a halitosis convention but under socialist medicine they’ll be harder to come by than a MENSA member at a Birther rally. Where’s a good honest Joe gonna get his hands on a cheap substitute for penis pills? Oyster buck-a-shucks baby!
If Everyone Else Wants Meat
You’d expect Union Trust (717 Chestnut St., 215.925.6000) steakhouse to have enough beef to clog even Joey Chestnut’s colon (and they do), but they also have a substantial number of selections from the sea, including oysters. Five from the West coast and seven from the East make their raw bar an impressive addition to Philly’s shellfish society. On weekdays from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m., they have Chesapeake Bays, Blue Points and Cape May Salts discounted to a dollar. L E W C
If You Think Good Things Come in Small Packages
In the States we’ve been conditioned to think that bigger must mean better. Well, Philly ain’t Texas and the Cape May Salts at the Pub and Kitchen (1946 Lombard St. 215.545.0350) are small, sweet and succulent. From 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. and for a buck each, you can drizzle as many of these tasty bivalves as you care to slurp with the Pub’s tart chive-embellished mignonette. W C
If You’re the Heir Apparent
Like King Arthur reclaiming his throne, Sam Mink has come home again to take the reins of the family seafood restaurant business. The Oyster House (1516 Sansom St. 215.567.7683) has been reclaimed and re-imagined. Taking design cues from New York’s legendary Grand Central Oyster Bar, the décor, like the food, is fantastically fresh. On weekdays from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. the price of the oyster of the day (most recently Delaware Bays; think Cape May Salts’ boring bigger brother) is dropped to a dollar. S L W C
If You’re a Bit Timid
The thought of heading to Coquette Bistro (700 S. Fifth St. 215.238.9000) in Queen Village after hearing about all the dysfunction (revolving door kitchen, snooty servers) at this Parisian-inspired eatery might be a bit off-putting. Now that Jared Frazer, formerly of Pif and more recently of Ansill, has taken over, it’s time to give this spot another shot. Ease back into it during their 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. happy hour with $1 Blue Points and $4 house wine. W C
If It’s Simpler Times You Want
Now that the new season is upon us, go all Mad Men from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. and again from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday through Friday at the bar in Devon Seafood Grill (225 S. 18th St. 215.546.5940). Run some pomade through your hair and sip your discounted $6.50 dirty martini as you toss back a few Long Island Sound Blue points for 50 cents a go. To really get into character, bring you best broad and let the booze and bivalves work their magic. You’ll be lighting cigarettes for two in no time. S L E W C
If You’re Not Riding Your Bike To Center City
At a buck and a quarter, they’re not exactly buck-a-shucks but where else in Fishtown but Johnny Brenda’s (1201 Frankford Ave 215.739.9684) can you get fresh buttery smooth yet salty Malpeque oysters from Canada’s bucolic Prince Edward Island? W C
Plink, plonk. There fell my testicles to the floor as I sipped the 19th-century roofie. Thank the fertility gods I was already at a bar surrounded by oysters. Quivering, ripe, juicy oysters. If there was ever a place I could get back my mojo it was here at Oyster House, Sam Mink’s chic revival of the Sansom Street classic his father, David, established in 1976.