Philadelphia Weekly

License to swill: Southwark’s cocktails (above) are among the classiest in Philly.

Photo by Michael Persico

Kamikaze, Red-headed Slut, Screaming Nazi Girl Scout From Hell. Decoding the enigmatic monikers of the modern cocktail is confusing enough to make even the famous cocktail suckers of Sex and the City burn out their brain cells. If you long for simpler times with less gross cougar sex, hit up these bars for classic cocktails.

If You Love Brando

It’s nearly impossible not to fantasize about being in a Tennessee Williams play when savoring a Sazerac—made with 23-year-old Black Maple Hill rye whiskey, Herbsaint and floral Peychaud’s bitters—at the mahogany-colored bar at Southwark Restaurant & Bar (701 S. Fourth St. 215.238.1888). Sitting under the pressed tin ceilings and the spinning rattan fans, you can relax and have another round. Stella can wait. B O S G

If You’re a Tourist

At La Bourse (120 S. 17th St. 215.569.8300) in the Sofitel hotel, the cocktails are segregated by sex. Under the “Hers” section is the Moscow Mule, a mainstay of the 1940s Hollywood cocktail scene. The Mule is made with Absolut vodka, fresh lime juice, club soda and spicy ginger that gives the drink its kick. Although meant for the ladies, men shouldn’t be ashamed to buck gender roles and order this donkey drink. O $$

If You’re El Presidente

Maybe the new presidential administration will finally lift the outdated embargo on Cuba so you can relish a legal Cohiba at Mahogany on Walnut (1524 Walnut St. 215.732.3982), but until then the well-trained staff will take care of you with a Macanudo cigar and a Basil Hayden Old Fashioned made with house-made bitters. Viva la revolución! C O

If You’re Into Park Life

From the hospitality perspective, the French are the best of the best, and at the Parisian bistro Parc Brasserie (227 S. 18th St. 215.545.2262), they do the country that invented restaurant dining justice. Enjoy their rye whiskey and absinthe version of the Sazerac or the Normandy-style Sidecar made with Calvados and citrus and garnished with a green apple slice at their authentic bistro bar. B S G $$

If You Need a Kick in the Head

After you’ve finally stopped mourning the loss of Striped Bass, stop by the same site and give the 1950s-themed steakhouse Butcher and Singer (1500 Walnut St. 215.732.4444) a shot. The rail Old Fashioned is made, well, the old-fashioned way with Maker’s Mark bourbon, Angostura’s bitters and a muddled maraschino cherry and orange slice. The extra dirty martini, referred to as “porn star” dirty by the bar staff, is clean, crisp and Dean Martin smooth. O S G $$

If You’re Up for Modern Mexican

Reportedly invented in Mexico in the 1940s, the Michelada isn’t named after a spicy señorita; it’s actually the contraction of Mexican slang mi chela helada, or my cold beer. But it’s more than that. The addition of rocks, lime juice, spices, a salted rim and a south-of-the-border steak sauce makes this a super savory cocktail, and at Distrito (3945 Chestnut St. 215.222.1657) the cerveza of choice for the Michelada is Modelo Especial. G