Philadelphia Weekly

ARTS AND CULTURE

Shades of Green

How's a millionaire pseudo-shit-kicker Republican and epic arsehole gonna save the balance of nature?

By Steven Wells

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Jan. 11, 2006

Illustration by Hawk Krall

Hey liberals-lock up your llamas, 'cause rock 'n' roll wild man turned great white hunter Ted Nugent is coming to town. And he's hungry.

Yep, the Nuge is the star attraction at the 2006 Greater Philadelphia Sport, Travel & Outdoor Show at the Ft. Washington Expo Center, Jan. 19 to 22. And what a smile-packed weekend of gutted fish and brain-spattered fur 'n' feather fun that promises to be.

My fave attraction is the Two by Two Zoo (note the subtle biblical reference), which promises, "our animals are friendly, clean and sociable." Which is great news for those sick of petting zoos packed with unfriendly, filthy and antisocial animals, biting children in the face and flinging their diseased wanks everywhere. Ugh! I mean, who needs that?

But there's more. Visitors will also learn about "what we humans can do to help save the balance of nature."

That's great. You mean like how we can fight the insane right-wing Republicans and their biodiversity-threatening, ecosystem-destroying, planet-strangling master plan to pave paradise and put up a parking lot by handing the environment over lock, stock and stinking-toxic-waste barrel to Republican-funding, eco-rapist corporations? Far out, man.

Oh wait, that's not what you mean, is it? Otherwise you wouldn't have invited millionaire Republican pseudo-shit-kicker Ted Nugent to be your star attraction, would you?

It'd take far more space than we have available to give a full account of Nugent's epic right-wing arseholery. So let's just focus on his 1990 interview with the Detroit Free Press, in which he defended South African apartheid because, he said, Africans "still put bones in their noses, they still walk around naked, they wipe their butts with their hands ... These are different people. You give 'em toothpaste, they fucking eat it."

This was the same interview, of course, in which Nugent revealed himself as a screaming yellow-crested cowardy-custard hypocrite chickenhawk by admitting he dodged the Vietnam draft by not washing for a month and drinking only Pepsi Cola for 10 days.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not one of those rubber-sandaled geek vegans who thinks-and I quote from a Ted-bashing website-"hunting is not a sport, it's a confidence booster for rednecks with small penises." No, as a liberal with a huge penis, I'm 100 percent woof-woof gung-ho pro-hunting. I just think we should hunt Ted-while performing "Ted Nugent Goes to Hell" by the band Slow Children Inc., which has no lyrics but does involve beating seven shades out of very loud electric guitars and screaming while dressed in clown suits.

That's as good a metaphor for the insane philosophy of "green Republicanism" as I can think of.