I believe crackheads, conversely, use their penises for other-than-eliminatory purposes. And I suppose crackheads could've stolen my car, but that would render this rant wrongheaded.
So I'm sticking with heroin addicts.
Have I mentioned they also stole my CD case? It contained a bunch of discs I'd somehow managed to burn on my slow-as-molasses Dell. I liked those CDs. They had good music on them--James Brown and Radiohead and Al Green and Massive Attack and stuff like that.
I think heroin addicts appreciate good music. Billie Holiday was a heroin addict.
That's how I know beady-eyed, smelly, lamedick heroin addicts stole my car and drove it around the corner so they could boost my radio.
I should've been a detective.
Speaking of cops, Officer Christine O'Brien of the Philadelphia Police Department's public affairs unit tells me by way of statistical inference that vehicle theft was down citywide during 2008's first quarter.
Last year, heroin addicts or crackheads or teenage hoodlums or whoever made off with 11,104 cars across the city, compared to 2,207 through March of '08.
The 25th and 15th police districts, which respectively include North Philly's infamous Badlands neighborhood and parts of, um, my native Northeast, have been hit the hardest.
And it turns out the 1st district, in which I now reside, experiences relatively little vehicle theft--just over 200 last year.
I moved to a better neighborhood without realizing it--and had my car stolen anyhow.
But I suppose all's well that ends well because I still have my car, my penis and my notion that dishonesty isn't anything to run your mouth about.
Regardless of what shame-ridden cabbies try to sell me.