NPR You Serious?
Hey, I'm bourgie, I'm (self-)educated, I'm the wrong side of 15 and I prefer my talk radio to not consist entirely of neo-fascist propaganda. So of course I listen to NPR. But God knows sometimes it's hard.
The beardie-weirdie presenter of You Bet Your Garden makes me want to nail him to a shed and garden-flamethrow his gurgling hippie ass until he stops chuckling so much. And the whites-only ginger-bearded higgledy-piggledy music of the Thistle & Shamrock never fails to send me screaming into the arms of the nearest Rush Limbaugh wannabe.
Then there's Terry Gross, possibly the worst interviewer in the history of radio. I thought her vomit-inducing ass-sniffing of smug mug Belle and Sebastian singer Stuart Murdoch in 2006 would forever remain my personal worst-ever NPR moment.
I was wrong.
A month ago she circle-jerked with Dr. Dan Gottlieb--the Yoda-meets-Mister Rogers presenter of WHYY-FM's touchy-feely-let's-all-hug Voices in the Family. Could the interview possibly have been more "uplifting" or nauseating? Yes, but only if they'd made it a three-way with You Bet Your Garden guy Mike McGrath while Aryan folk music from highlands and islands higgled and piggled in the background.
WHYY pays Gross a shed load, but the truth is she isn't fit to pick the sweetcorn out of Marty Moss-Coane's poo. Which is why I don't give WHYY a penny no matter how much they beg--and boy do they beg. Last month's membership drive was made even less palatable by the disappearance of the free-with-your-donation Nina Totin' Bag tote bag, a pun-ny spin on the name of NPR legal correspondent Nina Totenberg.
This hilarious joke was particularly relished in our house, where we make much punning fun of NPR presenters' names already. Thus BBC Newshour presenter Robin Lustig becomes Robin Lusting. Every mention of his name provokes me, my wife and our 6-year-old daughter Tracy Trotsky Spinoza-Jones to gleefully exclaim, "Phwoooar!" and "Look at the cock on that!"
Morning Edition's Brenda Jorett becomes Brenda Tourette's and is greeted with a hearty chorus of "Fuck! Shit! Wank!" every time she opens her filthy mouth.
I know what you're thinking--no matter how horribly overpaid Terry Gross is, it's morally wrong not to make a financial contribution to a broadcasting institution that gives the Wells household so many hours of innocent fun.
And you're right. Believe me, I would sign up--but only if they offered the world's best ever tote bag as an inducement.
That bag is of course the "SHOPPING IS FOR CUNTS" tote bag sold on the merchandising table of touring English Oi! band Hard Skin. WHYY could rename it the Brenda Fucking Tourette's bag. They'd sell memberships by the millions.