On The Radar

Philly artists should be fed to bears.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 4 | Posted May. 14, 2008

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illustration by: HAWK KRALL

I've decided to join the ranks of those teeth-gnashing, big baggy white-shirt-rending, Byronic-lock-tugging busybodies in the self-perpetuating Philly art-ponce oligarchy who spend all their time pontificating about the future of the arts in Philadelphia.

Here's my report: The future of Philly arts can be summed up with one word: Dickensian.

By 2028 Philadelphia--or Sony/Smith and Wesson Free Enterprise Zone 274 (e) as it will then be known thanks to the enlightened libertarian policies introduced by President Ron Paul after his stunning write-in victory in the '08 election--will be changed beyond all recognition.

Instead of 450 murders a year, there'll be 450 a day, due mainly to the Second Amendment being the only bit of the Constitution left (minus the silly bit about the "well-regulated militia") after President Paul privatizes Congress and our new corporate rulers abolish all civil rights so that America doesn't have to fight its never-ending wars against terror, drugs, illegal immigration, organized labor and creeping socialism with one hand tied behind its back with red tape.

"Yes, yes, yes--but what about the arts?" ask the brittle-boned and exquisitely pale coterie of dandies, fops and boulevardiers.

In 2028 there'll be one arts venue in Philadelphia--the Uncle Joe Stalin Drinking, Punk Rock and Mixed Martial Arts Bar (or the Kick Your Fucking Head Inn as it will be colloquially known by the motley crew of space pirates, organ bandits, animal rapists, pedophiles, child murderers, middle managers and talk radio hosts who comprise its clientele).

There will be only one arbiter of artistic taste--me. Acting as Warden Nutter's Lord Chamberlain and dressed like Bill Sykes out of Oliver! (complete with snazzy neckerchief and battered top hat), I'll rule the fop-infested Philly arts scene with a rod of iron (literally) in the company of my ever faithful, cigar-smoking, quizzo-organizing, Winston Churchill-faced talking mutant English bulldog Johnny Shit Times. (Much as I do now, only more so.)

All artists will be forced to perform on a stage flanked by cages full of hungry bears. If an act fails to thrill my socks off after 20 seconds, I pull the lever and--click, whirr, "Aaargh! No! Help! Not my face! Please! Or my fingers! Oh my God! It's eating my fucking fingers!" Total win-win situation for the audience.

On feast days in Fairmount Park there'll be punk rock songs played by the 4,000-strong Sousa and the Banshees marching band, and live recreations of the TV show Deadwood performed by Shakespearian actors imported from England. Who will then be killed, cooked and eaten.

It will be. And it will be awesome.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 4 of 4
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1. fulsomepraise said... on May 13, 2008 at 06:55PM

“There is no shortage of idiots willing to shout their ignorance out to the crowd. 'Think twice, speak once' might tame your lack of facts but not the attitude - that just sucks.”

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2. Stuart H. said... on May 14, 2008 at 04:44AM

“There's a time you'd have had Shakespearean actors killed and eaten first, then have their leftovers perform. Not going a bit upmarket in your old age are you, Mr Wells?”

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3. NathanAndreoli said... on May 14, 2008 at 11:44AM

“What really is the overall point of something like this. So there is this guy, who is a true conservative, and he has a "lets turn around and go back to where we got of the path" type of ideology. Does that really bother you so much? Or is just because hes old and doesn't represent this faux-hip-hero type deal that obama does. Andddd hes also not SO EASY TO HATE ON like mccain. With all of us basically agreeing on the idea that the current political establishment has failed, and that our politicians don't care, why not take jabs at the political phonies that try to rule our lives rather than some guy with ideas that are never even given the time of day for serious consideration or debate. Regardless of YOUR opinions on what would come of free market or everyone being able to defend themselves, can't we at least find better targets? No wait i know what it reallllly is, you just want a bunch of geeky emails with people saying token phrases because u hate when anyone is excited about something and your not. I know your just trying to get laughs, but this paper has barely done anything but crapped on this "maverick." Why not at least be happy that some guy actually sticks to his "GUNS." Or is that OLD FASHIONED in 2008?”

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4. KLynn said... on Jun 16, 2008 at 09:02PM

“Interesting what failed punk poets are up to these days. Couldn't make a living as a punk poet so you sold out but try to maintain the image that you are still cutting edge eh? You haven't been cutting edge since you got old. Give it up and retire already. You are boring and old news.”

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