On The Radar

Zombie chickens threaten the U.S.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Apr. 2, 2008

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March was the 40th anniversary of the My Lai Massacre in which U.S. troops, led by Lt. William Calley, murdered 300 to 500 Vietnamese civilians. Women and children were shot in the head as they prayed. Old men were bayoneted. Women were gang-raped. Villagers were sexually assaulted, tortured and maimed. Hundreds--including babies--were herded into ditches and shot.

When news of the Nazi-style atrocity leaked back in the U.S., decent liberal Americans reacted with horror. Conservative America, on the other hand, campaigned vigorously to exonerate the convicted Lt. William Calley, who they claimed was an American hero.

That was evil, but it wasn't insane. What's insane is the idea, universal on the right, that America's new existential enemy isn't the economically booming, ever-more-powerful, human-rights-abusing, genocide-in-Sudan-supporting 1.3 billion-strong People's Republic of China, with its enormous army and huge fleets of all-but-undetectable killer subs.

Oh no. The biggest existential threat we face is a bunch of raggedy-ass conservative religious nutters who used to be our friends in the war against our previous totalitarian nuke-owning super-enemy, the empire of Russia (which by the way is getting stronger and less friendly every day).

That's the madness. America's right wing shat its collective brain over 9/11, ate it and shat it again over the invasion of Iraq. And looks unlikely to recover anytime soon.

That's why I suggest a distraction, a moral panic to reboot conservative America's brain. Sex and drugs--even gay sex and gay drugs--won't do it, given that so many conservative legislators and spiritual leaders turn out to be closet homosexuals and/or drug fiends.

So perhaps we should take notice of David Hajdu's book The Ten-Cent Plague: The Great Comic-Book Scare and How It Changed America. It revisits how right-wing America took part in Nazi-style public burnings of comics in the 1950s (taking time off from burning books, rock 'n' roll records and the occasional nonwhite human being).

Right-wingers of America--I give you the soon-to-be-released movie Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.

I just watched the trailer. It's disgusting. Chicken zombies felch, fist, fry, castrate, disembowel, de-face (literally), yank heads off of and devour God-fearing middle Americans by the score. I'm shocked and traumatized and might well go out and kill, maim and rape 500 or so non-Americans as a result. And who would blame me?

My fellow conservative Americans, join me in the crusade against the sickening tsunami of chicken zombie movies that are luring American children into lifestyles of drug and alcohol abuse, degenerate atheism and premarital sex with Marxist negroes. You have nothing to lose but your braaaaains.

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