Lay of the Land

The cave-dwelling, hunchbacked English dwarf is one of Philly's finest.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Jul. 12, 2006

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Illustration by Hawk Krall

Achtung! Achtung! The Storm Troopers of Gay Liberation have scored another victory in their satanically inspired jihad against the American family.

In Philadelphia in 2004, 11 self-described "Christians" were arrested for shouting through megaphones at partying same-sexers. They were later charged with hate crimes, but then released. Score one for the American family!

But now an attempt by the American Family Association of Pennsylvania to have this savage repression of Christian free speech commemorated by a historical plaque has been refused.

Oh no! What would Jesus say? Well, nothing, probably. Seeing as he had the square root of bugger all to say about homosexuality while alive, just as he said zilch about people who visit the barber or plant two crops in one field and all the other silly rubbish you find banned in Corinthians (the bit of the Bible Christian homophobes use to justify their peculiarly obsessive hatred of chaps who like shopping).

Personally, I'd ignore the gays and kill all the two-crop-planting scum instead. But let's be positive. I come here today to nominate a real Christian for a historical plaque.

Benjamin Lay--a cave-dwelling, hunchbacked English dwarf--was the first truly great Philadelphian.

A Quaker and a passionate enemy of slavery, Lay made the lives of his slave-owning Colonial co-religionists a living hell with a constant stream of tracts, rants and stunts. He burst into one meeting of Philly's Quaker bigwigs and plunged a sword into a hollowed out "Bible" filled with blood-red pokerberry juice, which he then sprayed in the shocked faces of the slave-owning scum.

Now there's a Christian worthy of a plaque. A man who answers the question "What would Jesus do about inequality, injustice and oppression?" with "kick ass" rather than "vote Republican and become morbidly obsessed with men touching each other's knobs."

Okay, here's your homework for this week: You can read about Lay and his fellow real American revolutionaries in Gary B. Nash's The Unknown American Revolution (now out in paperback), a great book which claims the revolution back from the periwigged neo-aristocrats of the conservative cultural pantheon.

Then you can go online and watch the amazing Richard Dawkins presenting a superb documentary in which he rips religion several new orifices and sucks its fetid guts out through a silver straw.

And then--and only then--you can have your dessert in the shape of the amazing children's fiction trilogy His Dark Materials. Way better than Harry Potter and infused with a passionate loathing of superstition, HDM (a movie of which has just started casting) is a great way to inoculate a kid (or yourself) against the virus of religion.

And it's what Jesus wants you to do.

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