Knitzkrieg!

The axis of needle exists - and they're pissed.

By Steven Wells
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 3 | Posted Feb. 6, 2008

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A few weeks ago I wrote a whimsical column playfully attacking what I assumed was an entirely fictional menace to society--the "knit-Nazis." You can imagine my surprise when my inbox was flooded with furious, spittle-flecked, foam-drenched digital epistles from real-life knit-Nazis, hissing, screaming and roaring with red-faced fury.

Shit's all over the Web, man. The needle-clacking fascists have marched in terrifying lockstep to their heavily guarded artsy-crafty-Nazi blogsites--one hideously defaced with a swastika-style crossed-needles knit-Nazi flag--to strut, scream and pontificate like so many hand-knitted twat-hat-with-ear-flaps-wearing mini Adolf Knitlers.

We haven't the space here to convey the full intensity of this knitted brownshirt backlash. So I've crocheted together the edited highlights of some of the least insane responses to give you a wee taste of the tsunami of outraged hysteria unleashed when one gently takes the piss out of twits who knit.

"I bet this ... anti-knitting-semitism would be solved if we ... assault[ed] him with our pointy sticks until he cries like a little girl. He'll be wishing for a knit-Nazi concentration camp after he's felt the prick of a thousand tiny sock needles pierce his delicate fleshy underbelly."

"Made me want to ... drive to Philly and belt him across the face with a heavy-duty Maglite flashlight."

"He's a pretentious Nazi cumbucket."

"I'm a contributor to the Anticraft book, and I live in Philly. I expect ... this kind of crap from a Philadelphian. Every time my husband and I walk out our door, we hear the citizens of this city heckle each other. City of Brotherly Love my f'kn ass."

"Knit up a pair of socks you cocky mthfkr. Crochet me a blanket. Sew yourself a shirt. Not only does this ass hat need his bottle, but it sounds like he needs his diaper changed too."

"Wow. Was he attacked by a rogue tea cozy as a child?"

"I think this guy needs to go back to ... *effing* school. And I'll be there to kick his retentive, inflexible arse when we hit the playground."

"EFFING ignorant CRAP-FILLED dodo-head."

"I'm considering crocheting a verrry tiny [lime green ear-flapped twat-hat] for his dick."

"My grandmother [would] ... take you out behind the barn and kick your ass."

"To the editor and general manager of Philadelphia Weekly: I realize it may be an 'alternative' website that you folks run, but there's a bit of a fine line, and if you ask me, he crossed it."

This last writer has a point. Knitting is not a fit subject for humor. I therefore apologize to the knit-Nazi community for implying that they're a bunch of humorless, shrill, hysterical, overly sensitive, smelly hippie whiners with a stupid and demeaning hobby. Sorry.

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1. Leonie said... on Oct 28, 2008 at 11:03PM

“Hey! I'm not going to discuss wether knitting is punk and cool or not... doesn't matter anyway. All I'm going to suggest is, that the author might take a little time thinking about the real Nazi-regime and stop misusing it. Boy, if this would have been wrote in Germany, would you be in trouble by now. The survivors of the concentration camps would sue your ass off. The Neonazis would either storm your door to kick-ass hard or make you an honorably member. And least the knitters in Germany would really have a point to complain... We're no Nazis no more, remember? So please get a grip and look for another picture to use.”

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2. Anonymous said... on Jan 4, 2010 at 02:24PM

“As a Jew, and as a Knitter, I am deeply offended. That Philadelphia Weekly would allow such a disgusting use of the media is highly degrading to them. I shall never, ever spend a penny on this worthless paper that would allow such garbage be printed in their pages. I shall also be sending this to all my friends across the globe to insure that they two know of this. There are many paper that would see the insult, and the racism in this. How dare you allow this to be published? On or off the web, Philadelphia Weekly has apparently has no taste, no guide line, nor moral.”

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3. Michelle said... on Jun 3, 2013 at 12:22AM

“Hey Steven, what about those of us who knit because we fucking enjoy it? Is that ok with you, Sir? Would it be alright with you, or offend you in any way, if I wanted to knit my dead child a burial gown, rather than buy a cheaply made satin one from the funeral home? Would that be ok with you, Steven? I just want to make sure its ok to knit (not for fashion, or feminism) for my OWN personal fucking gratification. Fuck wit.”

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