Philadelphia Weekly

ARTS AND CULTURE

Hot Chicks

Christ kicks comics-war ass.

By Steven Wells

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 21, 2007

What's great about America? Gun shops, homoerotic cop uniforms, the fries at Five Guys (with vinegar, no less) and the way people get genuinely upset and say "Excuse me?" in a hurt little voice when you forget which country you're in and affectionately call them a "stupid cunt."

Then there's Chick comics (www.chick.com). I've been collecting these groovy little psycho-Christianist cartoon tracts for years now. Each one is a stunning testament to the creative dynamite that results from the collision of really bad art and really bad religion.

A typical Chick tract features a Christian father and son vacationing in the Middle East. "What are those men doing, Daddy?" asks the baby christer outside a mosque.

"They're praying to their moon god, son," says Dad.

"Moon god?" bellows an indignant Muslim. "The holy Koran says I could kill you for that!"

For some bizarre and unexplained reason the Muslim fellow then proceeds to blurt out the secret Muslim master plan to fly the green flag of Islam over the White House.

Totally unfazed, the kindly Christian patiently explains to the gibbering jihadist that Allah�--far from being the god of Moses and Abraham--is in fact just some smelly old Arab moon god.

The Muslim dude is stunned--"(Gasp) If this is true then I have no hope!"--so the kind American converts him and sends him off to spread the virus of Christianity, warning, "It may cost you your life."

"It will be worth it," says the born-again ex-Islamicist, still metaphysically gunked to the maniacally gleaming eyeballs with holy after-birth, "because I'll be with my loving Father in heaven for all eternity. (See Luke 9:23-24.)"

How conceptually perfect, aesthetically sublime and jaw-droppingly artistically awesome is that? But what baffles me is why no one's ever put out atheist versions of these oh-so-sexy miniature slices of dumbfuckistani-Americana.

Atheist kid: "What are those people doing, Daddy?"

Atheist dad: "Praying to their version of Santa Claus, son."

Christian: "How dare you? The Holy Bible says I can stone you to death for that!"

Atheist dad: "Yeah, but if you actually think about it for two minutes, that's just a load of old bollocks, isn't it?"

Christian: "Damn, you're right! I'm off to join a punk-lesbian roller derby team."

I'm totally serious about this. Artists, writers, money people--let's make this happen. We could stick our Anti-Chicks up on the Web and scatter them all over the Bible belt, like so many deadly anti-bullshit mines. Think how many wretchedly infantilized, brainwashed, god-bothering nutjob fleshbots we could lead, screaming with joy, into the bright sunlight of intellectual maturity.

It's what God would want us to do, if he existed.