Horoscope

The Cosmic Butt Kick

By Jennifer Shepherd
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Jun. 9, 2004

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Aries (March 21-April 19)
The moon is filling your brain with weird ideas. You've decided that God wants you to marry Nicole Kidman, so you're going to woo her with items you purchased on eBay. (How could she resist your vintage Charlie's Angels board game or the Magilla Gorilla lunchbox?) Or you're submitting an audition tape to the directors of Shrek 2. You're sure they'll create a new character for you in Shrek 3 after you've sold them on The Princess and the Pee (for the PG-13 version) or Igor the Imp (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Donald Rumsfeld).

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You've got the gift of gab, thanks to chatty Mercury. Debate the dramatic effectiveness of Adriana's whacking on The Sopranos. "I think she should have been allowed to live. Airhead crack dealers make for such endearing characters." Discuss the implications of Jesus surviving his crucifixion and going on to have babies with Mary Magdalene, as depicted in The Da Vinci Code. "Somehow, I can't see Jesus driving the kids to soccer practice." Your opinions might not count for much, but that won't prevent you from offering them.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Like poor Kelly Osbourne, you're experiencing a conflict between your public and your private personae. Everybody thought you were this outspoken, confident chick, and it turns out it was just the drugs talking. Osbourne has completed a rehab program. (One can only hope she got a family discount after the frequent-flier miles brother Jack and dad Ozzy accumulated.) Although the sun is offering you emotional challenges, you have what it takes to make long-lasting change. Stop asking yourself why you need to overcome certain bad habits and just get on with it, already.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Aggressive Mars has you expressing yourself in feisty ways. Like Bill Cosby criticizing the speech patterns and spending habits of some African-Americans, be prepared to take the heat when you speak out. Consider your audience. Don't tell a roomful of atheists they need to attend more church picnics. Avoid preaching to a bunch of infertile women that God wants them to have lots of babies. And before you give a lecture to a surly teen about tattoos being the work of the devil, ask yourself, "How'd I get to know Satan so intimately? Hmm."

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
As Uranus goes retrograde you'll discover that you've had your head up your butt about something. You were certain all of those American Idol votes were getting through. Now it's revealed that some 75 percent of calls don't get tallied in some markets. (Even so, you approve of Fantasia Barrino's win. She blew Diana DeGarmo out of the ballpark.) Or maybe you were convinced that the Mars rovers would produce proof of life on Mars. Now they're "asleep," after sending back lots of pictures of ... rocks. Wake those suckers up and get them back to work!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sarah Jessica Parker has agreed to star in ads for the Gap this fall. (Quelle horreur! A true fashionista would never be caught in denim.) And Oscar winner Mira Sorvino has gotten engaged to a would-be actor some 14 years her junior. (He's just after your agent's phone number! Wake up and smell the desperation, Mira!) A Mercury square has you doing something out of character. If you're not careful, you'll end up eloping with your pool boy or putting a move on the office bagel girl. Be smart.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Mercury is increasing your luck quotient. Like Usher, you'll suddenly have three Top 10 singles. You'll find you're up for the part of Mr. Fantastic in the new Fantastic Four movie, like Brendan Fraser. Or you'll get engaged to your longtime sweetheart, as Allison Janney of The West Wing did. She and fellow actor Richard Jenik are planning to tie the knot, and you too could be getting clearer about your feelings for a special someone. "I'd like to see you, um, at another point in the conceivable future." What's that sound? It's Libra making a commitment.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You're all business this week. You're pulling a Gwyneth Paltrow, hurrying to line up new work post-pregnancy. She'll play Marlene Dietrich in a biopic, and you're aiming for an equally ambitious project. Take a cue from Bill Clinton, who toiled away into the wee hours each night while he was preparing his upcoming memoir. Jupiter has you working overtime to finish an important job. "Vacation? What vacation? Vacations are for the unemployable, like Robert Blake. Get back to me around Labor Day."

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
With Mercury moving opposite your sign, you're becoming Harry Potter, battling scary dementors and fending off doom at every corner. Don't worry--things aren't as bad as they seem. But since your emotions are out of whack, take care of yourself. Buy a special red string from your local Kabbalah center to ward off evil. (It can't hurt.) Avoid energy-draining phone calls by leaving a cryptic message on your voicemail. "I can't come to the phone because I've entered the witness protection program."

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It's rumored that actress Lindsay Lohan has been cuddling with Wilmer "Fez" Valderrama of That '70s Show. Venus is giving your romantic life a whimsical quality too. Even if you're single, you'll want to cozy up to something cute. Adopt a greyhound that's outlived its usefulness at the track. Befriend an alley cat that could benefit from some catnip and a few rubs. Rescue that goldfish your bratty nephew won at the fair and save it from having gummi worms tossed in its bowl. "But Mom, fish eat worms!"

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The American chestnut tree is poised to make a comeback, thanks to genetic engineering. The lost Library of Alexandria was recently found by archeologists in the Mediterranean. And the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, both managed to graduate from college (and you were worried they wouldn't make it). Cheery Mercury is helping you see positives instead of negatives. So what if Jessica Simpson is likely to star in the movie version of The Dukes of Hazzard? (There are so many things wrong with the previous sentence that it's best just to ignore it.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The fourth-quarter moon in your sign is bringing something to completion. Like Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley finalizing their divorce, what's done is done, and it's time to move on. Water signs like yours are known to fall into obsession, but try to adopt a more detached view. "My honey moved out, taking my computer, my CDs and my pot-bellied pig. My yogi says I'm just simplifying my life. This is a good thing." Watch episodes of Oprah and Dr. Phil until you're thoroughly convinced.

Check out Jennifer's mystical musings at http://cosmicbuttkick.blogspot.com

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