Philadelphia Weekly

Did you see the CBS interview? F-bomb us!

So why was that presidential debate so horribly boring? Because the candidates--drilled like Prussian recruits--know that every single statement is going to be picked apart by team after team of eager anal-retentive fact checkers.

Example: Obama says there was no Al Qaeda in Iraq before the U.S. invasion.

But the factcheckerati--straining every liberal sinew and bending over backwards, sideways and forwards again like some freakish circus contortionist on bendy drugs playing Twister in order to be fair to the demented fantasy world that is right-wing "reality"--points out that there were a couple, maybe three, raggedy-arsed crazy Allah-bots living in some godforsaken one-donkey village in a corner of Iraq that Saddam no longer had any control over. And when George Bush invaded and presented them with thousands of recruits and the chance to throw bombs at actual Americans, these idiots started calling themselves "Al Qaeda in Iraq".

So, say the fact checkers, Senator Obama was not telling the absolutely exact total truth when he said that there were nozzzzzzzzzzz. Excuse me, I fell asleep.

F-bomb off with your lets-be-fair-to-the-demented-conservative-a-bombs-who-got-us-into-this-mess-in-the-first-place evenhandedness, liberal media.

Do your d-bomb job--be biased.

The clue is in the phrase "liberal media". The label was stuck on you by ultra-right-wing conservative fanatics who couldn't stand that mainstream newspapers and TV stations were only moderately conservative. And you responded by examining yourselves and thinking:

Gosh, we actually are reasonable, intelligent, humane, decent, honest people who value fairness, justice and truth. That means that the conservatives are right--we must be biased against the insanely gibbering, racist, sexist, homophobic, cross waving, groin clutching lunatic fringe who run the Republican Party at the grass roots. And the evil, grasping, ruthless, Ivy League educated, oil-industry c-bomb-sucking, effete elite silent-movie villains in $4,000 Armani business suits who run the GOP at the national level. Therefore--to redress this bias--we must always give equal time to both the truth and whatever crazy bat-s-bomb insane unscientific gibberish the evil ones come up with. Even if it means handing the fate of the entire planet over to people who seem hell bent on destroying it. Like we did in 2004.

F-bomb you, liberal media, you f-bombing p-bombs. And while we're at it, what's with all this f-bombing?

F-bomb me but this is an f-bombing strange f-bombing country. (Or should that be c-bombry?) You flood the planet with gruesomely graphic hard-core pornography--and then p-bomb yourselves in terror every time someone uses, well, the f-bomb.

Earlier this year the language-loving comedian George Carlin died. And he died in vain. All over the liberal media his fans rushed to exalt his greatest monologue in which he ranted wittily about the absurdity of banning certain words.

And in every single broadcast not one of those words was spoken.

There is a puritan death grip on English as it spoken and written in America. In Australia and Britain politicians, priests and pop stars regularly f-through-z-bomb the living f-bomb out of each other. In the U.S. D-bomb Cheney drops an f-bomb in the Senate and the entire country runs around with its skirt over its head, shrieking girlishly. Sheesh, guys, it's not like he flashed a nipple for 9/16ths of a second during the Super Bowl. Calm the f-bomb down.

And when puritanism meets right-wing political correctness meets bend-over-backwards-to-suck-Satan's-c-bomb-liberal-media-pro-conservative-bias--(A lying sack of f-bombing s-bomb says John Kerry wasn't a war hero? Okay, let's give that flat-out f-bombing lie equal time with, uh, the truth)--the result is a political process that's--to steal a line from this c-bombry's greatest ever political commentator, Hunter S. Thompson--like "watching scum freeze on the eyeball of a mule". (Okay, so he was talking about the Baltimore Ravens, but the principle still stands.)

And so I sat and stared at the knee-chewingly dull spectacle of a young man ponderously delivering a series of over-rehearsed position statements and rebuttals. And--slightly more entertainingly--an old man trying to smear the young man with the claim that he's actually as dumb, ignorant and inexperienced as the total f-bombing idiot he's chosen to be his vice f-bombing presidential candidate.

Which was never going to fly. Did you see Palin's hilarious spaz-out on CBS News? You know that dream you have about playing guitar live on stage with U2 in front of an audience of hundreds of thousands of people and Bono turns to you and mouths the word "solo" and you step into the limelight and strike a pose--and then s-bomb yourself in sheer f-bombing terror as you suddenly remember that you can't play a single f-bombing note?

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