Don't Drink the Kool-Aid

Getting Awesome with Tommy Up

By Tommy Up
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 24, 2009

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Rumsfeld. Santorum. K-Fed. These are the biggest villains of our time. Evil personified. Archetypes of our national nightmare. Handpicked by the big bossmen to hold the people down.

Is it wrong to picture Mr. Spears in the same league as the other two? I don't think so. He's part of the same collective cultural nightmare. He had a very specific goal: to destroy our country's music by impregnating Britney over and over until she looked like Barbara Bush.

I picture Rummy, Rick and K sitting around a bonfire, cackling like witches and partaking in some obscure occult ritual, while Bush and Cheney are off in the woods finding marshmallows. I picture them sitting around the headquarters of the Legion of Supervillains next to Gen. Grog and Lex Luthor while Solomon Grundy outlines the media schedule for K-Fed's next CD release. (Rumsfeld and Santorum are taking notes.)

Then in an instant they went poof. Rumsfeld with his greasy hair and those beady eyes behind $5 frames staring out from the television screen denying reality with the calming tone of that uncle who always creeped you out. Santorum with his scary children and his overwhelming tapioca-flavored hatred of everyone. K-Fed with his whole "I'm fucking America's sweetheart" thing. America and Britney finally wised up and dusted the dirt off their shoulders.

I think I share the same collective worry of every citizen right now: The Republicans have mastered shape-shifting technology given to them by their evil alien overlords, and they've loaned this technology to K-Fed.

Even if the shape shifting hasn't been mastered, we still have problems. Rumsfeld's successor Robert Gates will obviously continue to take orders directly from Dark Lord of the Sith Karl Rove. Santorum could be hiding in some shadowy corner of the Senate floor with a knapsack full of crackers and his kids' juice boxes, plotting his revenge. K-Fed could land some MTV reality show and never go away. We need to be vigilant. We need to watch the skies.

Holla at party thrower and subversive marketing genius Tommy Up at tommyup@philadelphiaweekly.com

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