Don't Drink the Kool-Aid

Getting awesome with Tommy Up

By Tommy Up
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 24, 2009

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With everyone now back in the city, the feeling of love is in the air. In that spirit I'm going save you some valuable time in your search for romance. This week's column is divided into two sections, one for each gender. It's important you don't read the women's section if you're a man, and vice versa. There are some things you're just not supposed to know.

Men: What most guys don't understand is that women's games are infinitely more complex than ours. There are evolutionarily developed traits that make their behavior very alien, but there's another factor unique to our culture that really twists things up: the Sex and the City syndrome.

Many otherwise intelligent women handle their life situations by asking themselves, "WWCD?" (What would Carrie do?) Your only option is to enter their fictional world. It might be painful, but I recommend watching the show. Just remember, you're not watching to find out what life is like for women. You're watching to find out what women wish their lives were like.

Women: I'm going to get kicked out of the Man Union for this, but I'm telling you anyway. If a man finds you attractive, you can't be friends. You might be thinking you have a lot of guy friends, but you really don't. Any guy friend you have wants to sleep with you. Most men know this instinctively, but most women doubt it. There are two generally accepted exceptions to this rule: a) The guy is gay, or b) the guy already has a woman he places much higher up on his scale than you. There are other very rare exceptions (like my female friends), but 19 out of 20 times, it's the rule.

If you don't believe me, I have a challenge for you. Imagine you and a guy friend are alone at your place. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come out naked and ask to have sex. What would he do?

The truth hurts. Does this mean guys are bad? No way. We have friends too, but we generally play poker with them, not hide under the covers. I'm doing this as a public service. Don't shoot the messenger.

Please note: Drunkenness makes nonsense out of everything I just said, but when sobriety rears her head, the rules go straight back into effect.

Holla at party thrower and subversive marketing genius Tommy Up at tommyup@philadelphiaweekly.com

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