Getting awesome with Tommy Up.
To: Kate Kilpatrick, A&E editor, Philadelphia Weekly
From: Tommy Up
Hi Kate. I did see that you needed this yesterday ... but I was extremely drunk at this place Walnut Room on Wednesday night dancing with some hot chicks and was mad hungover Thursday and it set me back a little. Can I get this to you by the end of today? I'm doing a "Welcome to Philly" guide for freshmen and I need to really ponder this ...
Welcome, freshmen. On behalf of our city, I'm happy to have you. Compared to whatever awful small village you're from back home, Philly probably seems pretty cool. There are a few things we need to get straight right away to make your integration as painless as possible for all of us. Confidential to Wharton students: Please don't fret about that professor getting nabbed for child porn last week. It's not going to affect the status of the M.B.A. your parents are paying for, since it's a well-known fact that 98 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs are child porn aficionados.
1) Clothing. Guys: Do not pop your collar (sorry Pharrell). The Popped Collar Guy makes the Striped Shirt Guy look like a fashion genius. Girls: Just say no to skinny jeans. Mostly because they're retarded looking, but also because you're supposed to already be skinny to wear them. Also, the giant sunglasses ... I'm kinda thinking "eh" at this point.
2) Nightlife. I should probably tell you to go to Old City to keep the other parts of the city college-kid-free for the rest of us, but if you've read this far, you're okay in my book. Old City is full of ugly people who don't live here, bad clubs that don't belong here and depressed corporate lawyers who'd like nothing better then to date rape a pretty young thing like yourself. Best bet? Stay on campus and drink heavily. If you feel the need to experience city life, try Rittenhouse. The depressed corporate lawyers there tend to drive better cars.
3) Our beloved homeless. Like any major U.S. city, we have people who live on the street and say things like, "Mama said knock 'em out now give me a dollar I would clean your windows but somebody stole my squeegee." Just remember they're more scared of you than you are of them. Like rattlesnakes.
That's enough for now. Enjoy Philly, and when you move to N.Y.C. after graduation, please remember to write.
Holla at party thrower and subversive marketing genius Tommy Up at email@example.com