Don't Drink the Kool-Aid

By Tommy Up
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Feb. 24, 2009

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My name's Tommy Up. I'm writing a new column in which I'll be looking at the social side of life in the city. Some sort of introduction is probably in order for those who don't know me. Allow me to expose some truths about myself.

I hate marketing. It's an industry full of used car salesmen who can't stop using the word "branding." Marketing is about fooling people into feeling like shit about themselves and then suggesting to them that your product will fill the hole you just created. This hatred is ironic because I run a boutique marketing company. (I feel there's another way to raise the awareness of your product without telling people how uncool they are.)

I think parties are boring, and I generally don't like going to them. I think bars and clubs are pretty boring too. This is also interesting since I'm probably the most well-known party promoter in the city. I know this because people always say to me, "Tommy, you're probably the most well-known party promoter in the city."

When I see guys out wearing identical striped shirts, it makes my face hurt. Striped shirts are the polyester bellbottoms of our generation, and not in a good way. My girlfriend calls them the "pariah of the social scene." Striped shirts are on sale right now at H&M, if you want to pick one up.

I've admired the handsome styling of bowling shoes since I was a kid, and I often wished I had a pair of my own. Recognizing an opportunity, I stole a pair from the opening night of a bowling alley in the city. I can't tell you the name of the place, but it rhymes with Plucky Bike. Dreams do come true.

I've never had a threesome.* This fact hit me after watching the threesome episode on Entourage last week. Honestly, I don't think I want to have a threesome. I imagine waking up the next morning with both girls looking at me with big sad eyes like baby lambs, wondering how I talked them into it.

Fun fact: A threesome involving two guys is called "You're Gay."

* I've never had a technical threesome. There has been some three-way kissing and light petting.

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