Black Like Me

ARTS AND CULTURE

By Jayson Scott Musson

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Nov. 6, 2007

God has made many mistakes. His first mistake was making too many people.

Chinatown in New York City is a perfect example of this. As I meander behind a wobbly geriatric in rubber flip-flops, I want to say, "Faster, old woman! I have to catch the 7 to Bryant Park!"

The masses litter the sidewalks and block my passage. I wouldn't be opposed to legislation to finance a giant snow shovel that would plow people up and toss them off cliffs. I suggest the Grand Canyon.

When they've fossilized and been turned into oil by tectonic pressure, these bodies could be used in the very distant future to renew our planet's fossil fuel resources. The future robot rulers of our planet would find this most useful.

But let's get back to God's mistakes.

God's second mistake is that he made too many varieties of people. I once saw a man's chin that was absolutely offensive. How many types of chins does the planet really need? I'd say three, tops: the Popeye chin, the Dick Tracy chin and the Joe Camel chin. All three perfectly resembling butt cheeks or scrotums, two parts of the body highly prized by the gay males who will comprise 63 percent of the United States population in the future (this gay period coming shortly before the robots taking over the planet, but way after our present time).

And since I'm from the future, I might as well tell you about the great Gays vs. Robots War that determined the fate of humanity. It was a battle of un-epic proportions. It was a snore, actually.

Because this column is archived on the Internet, the Robot Army got the idea to build a giant snow shovel and used it to shovel the Gay Army into the Grand Canyon, and then they poured hot lava on them. Robots sure do fight dirty.

But on the upside, I'm regarded as the robot Abraham Lincoln. I'm the man now, dog.