Black Like Me

ARTS AND CULTURE

By Jayson Scott Musson

Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Sep. 26, 2007

As I get older, I realize there are things that annoy me that are specific to my getting older. The first thing on this list is anybody younger than me.

The other day I saw a teenager wearing a T-shirt that said 'Buck Fush,' and I wanted to cum on his face. Notice I said on his face, not in his face. Cumming in someone's face is intimate. When you cum in someone's face, you stick around afterward, help them clean up and talk about your moon signs together.

When you cum on someone's face, you promptly collect your belongings (if you were dumb enough to put your purse down or take your wallet out of your pants) and hop the next bus home.

The next thing that gets my goat like an Israeli trapped in a Palestinian flag factory is anybody older than me. Hey God, what's up with all these moldy-bones old folks? My grandma is 83 and homegirl can barely lift a finger. A long, prosperous life looks good on paper, but the reality isn't so peachy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to imply that old folks are useless, because the elderly are the source of true history, Studs Terkel-style and all. And word is bond I love my grandma to death, but she's still as racist, homophobic and xenophobic as anybody else her age.

But when those old tunes come on, I'm sure she'd like to move a bit. When I hit them old ages and I hear Lil Wayne asking Scott Storch to borrow his yacht over the "We're Takin' Over" beat, I hope I can at least do a minimal two-step.

I'm hoping my family (please Jesus, don't give me a family) is sensitive enough to drop The Black Album on my ass and also burn all my writings on top of it. Everything! Burn it all! The poems, the manifestos about nothing, that failed pillow book with all the bad drawings and typos, that children's book starring Phally the Talking Penis, the suicide manual I titled A Coward's Goodbye that gives the wrong dosages for the wrong pills, that fantastically atrocious essay on eugenics I wrote which was just a thinly veiled support for a race war between Smurfs and Fraggles. Burn it all. Buck Fush.