Philadelphia Weekly

Wine speller: Ron Jeremy look-alike Jeff "Brown" Cuellar will be DJing.

>>KWIZ

Drunken Spelling Bee

Mon., March 19, 9pm. Free. Bob and Barbara's, 1509 South St. 215.545.4511. www.uncutproductions.org

Imagine Akeelah, the heroine of Akeelah and the Bee, so shitfaced she can't even spell her own name. How much better would that film have been? Uncut Productions first created the forthcoming mockumentary The 5th Annual Underground Drunken Spelling Bee, and then decided to bring the experience to life. "I have a list of rules, but they're pretty ridiculous," says director Jena Serbu. "You must start out above the legal limit." (Yes, a breathalyzer is involved.) "You must continue to increase your blood-alcohol level with each passing round." (To keep things fair.) "Penalty words are added each time a player leaves to vomit." (Hey, can you spell "wing bowl"?) The winner receives a free case of PBR each week they remain champion so they can practice drunk spelling at home. (John Steele)

>>ICE, ICE BABY

Emynd & Bo Bliz, Caps & Jones/Winter Fest IV

Emynd & Bo Bliz, Caps & Jones: Sat., March 17, 9pm. $5. M Room, 15 W. Girard Ave. 215.739.5577. www.themanhattanroom.com; Winter Fest IV: Sun., March 18, 1pm. Free. Ice Box Project Space, 1400 N. American St. 215.235.3405. www.inliquid.com

It's that wonderful time of year when painted green, drunk-beyond-belief suburbanites descend on our city in giant school buses. For city people looking to party far away from these douchebags, these two events are essential. On Saturday night two of the best DJ crews in the city--Caps & Jones and Emynd & Bo Bliz--hold it down in Fishtown, dropping rap, pop, indie and dance songs into one giant party mix. Then, while others are sleeping off their hangovers Sunday afternoon, head to the Ice Box Project Space for Winter Fest IV. It's an amazing finale to the cold months, bringing together bands, DJs, food, an ice sculpture contest, a cold sake tasting and more. Sure, you won't get to experience the vomiting, fighting and catcalling, but I promise these two parties will make for the best St. Patty's weekend ever. (Jack Schonewolf)

>>WHEEL MEET AGAIN

Photo by Robert Browne

Sat., March 17-Sun., March 18, various times. $15-$25. Sportsplex, 1331 O'Reilly Dr., Feasterville. 215.355.2582. www.phillyrollergirls.com

Some things that are illegal in roller derby: "gross unsports-lady-like conduct," "deliberate and excessive insubordination to a referee" and fighting. Any sport where actual fighting is punished by a two-minute timeout has got to be total fun to watch. This weekend the Philly Roller Girls host teams from all over the country in a two-day event that'll almost certainly involve gross unsports-lady-like conduct. But forget any preconceptions you might have about roller derby being a gimmicky mock sport. It's deadly serious, incredibly competitive and fantastically entertaining. And it boasts a Philly team that isn't a bunch of pampered-ass whiny losers. (Emily Guendelsberger)

>>SEX PISTOLS

"Rocks and Glocks"

Through March 18. Free. Bambi Gallery, 1817 Frankford Ave. 215.423.2668. www.bambiproject.com

Clickin' gats and snakin' ice is how we roll through this town. No one ever expected our style to be repped in a gallery, but apparently our reputation precedes us. This is your final chance to check out "Rocks and Glocks," a collaborative effort between Veleta Vancza and Ron Ribant. The exhibit features Ribant's flat-panel layerings--designed to create three-dimensional representations of handguns--and Vancza's multifaceted diamond displays. The possibilities for extracting meaning from this subject pairing are astronomical, so just go ahead and start rehearsing your blood diamond rant (inner monologue, please). And while you're whipping your social consciousness into a frenzy, chew on this: a number of the pieces have been treated with a phosphorescent glaze and placed in a light-deprived back room. That's right, y'all--the shit glows in the dark. (Joshua Valocchi)