Philadelphia Weekly

Brendan Benson comes to Philly this week. He is not bringing Jack White with him. We think.

Wednesday December 2

The Queers
Hitting upon a sweet spot of surf-tinged guitars, hopelessly melodic vocals and cheeky punk simplicity, Queers songs are too light and infectious to be anything but delightful. Founded and since maintained by Joe Queer (nee King), the influential band had a brief lifespan in the ’80s before reforming in 1990, only to carry on until today. Their records are harmless even by pop-punk standards, sounding more like what’s on the oldies station than what’s pumping out of Hot Topic. As with the Ramones, the Beach Boys are a huge touchstone for the Queers, who were rightfully enshrined by the all-ages set long, long ago. Doug Wallen
6:30pm. $10. With the Leftovers. The Barbary, 951 Frankford Ave. 267.765.5210. r5productions.com

Thursday December 3

Bob Saget
As host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, Bob Saget was once synonymous with football-induced groin injuries. These days he’s still deeply invested in genitals and all the terrible things that can happen to them. WMMR’s Preston and Steve present a night of uncomfortable hysterics with Saget at the Keswick. The comedian ended his stint as milquetoast family man Danny Tanner on Full House nearly 15 years ago, but time has done little to prepare audiences for the scatological fury of his standup. Sort of like Martha Stewart in a live Nativity flipping you off and going home with the donkey. Don’t expect flailing Jerry Lewis groans or talking baby videos. These are filthy uncle jokes usually told with a wagging cigar and an eye to the door to make sure your mother isn’t listening. The kind you repeat the next day at recess after consulting a dictionary. Paul F. Montgomery
8pm. $39.50-45.00. Keswick Theatre, 291 Keswick Ave., Glenside. 215.572.7650. keswicktheatre.com

Tournament
Tournament plays fast, corrosive post-hardcore like it’s SST in the mid-1980s. Tenuous hooks are sandblasted into oblivion with sprays of distortion, guitar riffs are sped to blur and knocked off balance as the bass pushes maniacally from the back. The band’s first full-length Years Old, out now on Forcefield, spits and spews and skitters, a metal howl wrapped around shifting tempos. “Big Box Opportunity” gallops ahead on a Sabbath riff at double speed then pauses for a slow-mo wail that hurts your throat in sympathy. If you missed the Jesus Lizard show, or harbor any affection for Fugazi and Black Flag, check this one out. Jennifer Kelly
8pm. $5. With the Wayward, Regional Ditch, Fuck Attack! + My Mind. Pi Lam, 3914 Spruce St. myspace.com/thepilam

Jaguar Love
Originally formed last year by three members of two late, great Seattle bands—screamo pioneers Blood Brothers and indie-punks Pretty Girls Make Graves—Jaguar Love, currently based in Portland, Oregon, is now down to two members (Johnny Whitney and Cody Votolato) and a drum machine. There’s barely a trace of their former bands in the duo’s current approach, an exciting glam-punk racket with chewy guitar riffs, new wavey synths, and snappy mechanized beats. And then there’s Whitney’s affected, high-pitched yelps and squeals, which Britain’s Guardian described as “Robert Plant on steroids, or Perry Farrell after a sex change.” Hard to argue with that assessment, but somehow, we’re still fans. Michael Alan Goldberg
8pm. $10. With TBA. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. kungfunecktie.com

The Santaland Diaries
There’s only one thing worse than working retail during the month of December. That’s doing it in pointed ears and peppermint rouge. The Santaland Diaries, a play adapted from an essay by David Sedaris, has endured as a holiday favorite for 13 years. Even if it lacks the sentiment of other Christmas classics. Derick Loafmann is Crumpet, a bored, bemused foot soldier of the holiday rush tasked with heaving belligerent tots onto the laps of department store Santas. Off shift, Crumpet bums a cigarette and shares his war stories of tinsel-strewn tantrums from children and soccer moms alike. He rains on the entire Macy’s Day parade, irritated by all the mandated jolly. Despite all the disenchanted humbuggery, the one-act, one-elf show is almost unseasonably funny. Consider it a not-so-sweet holiday treat. Diaries jingles all the way through December 20. P.F.M.
8pm. $12-$18. Second Stage at the Adrienne, 2030 Sansom St. 215.568.8077. flashpointtheatre.org

La Plena Inmortal
The PMA’s got “Gorky,” PAFA’s got “Birth of the Cool”—American art will only get you so far. In celebration of the opening of his exhibit in the Lorenzo Homer Gallery, local Latino artist Antonio Martorell hosts a discussion at Temple University’s Tyler School of Art. The Puerto Rican artist will give a brief introduction on his heritage before discussing the impact of Puerto Rican art on the current global community. Highlighted artists include Pepon Osorio, whose focus is on the connection between art and community; Miguel Luciano and more of Martorell’s contemporary peers. Martorell’s exhibit, La Plena Inmortal, a mixed medium show named after a style of folk dance, opens at Taller Puertorriqueño’s Lorenzo Homar Gallery on Friday, but get the scoop on the background a day before it’s available to the public. Emily Freisher
7pm. Free. Tyler School of Art, 2001 N. 13th St. 215.426.3311. tallerpr.org

Friday December 4

Russian Circles
The “chocolate” is the post-rock of Slint and Mogwai and Don Caballero, with its intricate structures and shifting dynamics. The “peanut butter” is the prog-metal of Tool and Isis, etc., which gets loud and heavy and bombastic but often in novel and arty ways. What happens when you get your chocolate in your peanut butter? You get Russian Circles, the Chicago instrumental trio that’s been around for about five years now and never fails to disappoint with its bracing albums and even more epic, breathtaking live shows. Fans of Pelican and Mono will definitely want to be in the room for this one, because it’s gonna be pretty sweet. M.A.G.
7:30pm. $12. With Young Widows + Phantom Family Halo. First Unitarian Church, 2125 Chestnut St. 866.468.7619. r5productions.com

Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest for an Orgasm
Mara Altman lost her virginity at 17. She then spent a decade trying to get off. In fact, the former Village Voice staff writer launched an entire investigation into the mechanics of the female orgasm. After enlisting the help of men from all over the world with no success, she decided to take matters into her own hands. She attended sex conventions, went to therapy and tried god only knows how many vibrators. Her dedication to understanding the complexity of achieving the big O is truly admirable. Most folks give up after a few leg cramps. But having channeled her sexual frustration into a hilariously candid memoir, Altman now wants to share her story with the women of Philadelphia. Although, really, the men of Philadelphia could also use the help. Nicole Finkbiner
7pm. Free. Wooden Shoe Books, 704 South St. 215.413.0999. woodenshoebooks.com

The New Heaven and The New Earth
Roger Alejandro Martinez named his latest outfit after a verse from the freakiest part of the Bible, the Revelations chapter that envisions the end of days and beyond. The music, though, is a gentler kind of apocalypse, hand-made folk with shadowy plainsong harmonies, unearthly chimes and bells and angelic harp strums. Martinez—who has lately been playing with the dronier, more freeform Br’er—crafts pretty, vaguely unsettling chants and ditties in the Philly freaked tradition of Espers and Fursaxa. You can purchase hand-decorated, very limited edition cassette copies of the upcoming All Saints Day now, but the CD version won’t be out until next year. J.K.
9pm. $5. With Hermit Thrushes, C. J. Boyd + Stationary Odyssey. Danger Danger Gallery, 5013 Baltimore Ave. myspace.com/dangerdangergallery

Good Old War
Despite ties to Unlikely Cowboy and the late Days Away, the local trio Good Old War is very much its own thing. The band’s late-2008 debut, Only Way To Be Alone, is shot through with affable, strummy folk-pop that sounds more effortless upon each listen. With a stint backing Circa Survive’s Anthony Green under its belt, Good Old War is wrapping up the year by touring the East Coast with Chicago’s Cast Spells and Philly folkie Hezekiah Jones before a few post-Christmas shows with Green in California. Also signed to Sargent House, Cast Spells are another easygoing proposition, though made somewhat mysterious by Dave Davison’s shared secret of a voice. D.W.
7pm. $12. With Cast Spells + Hezekiah Jones. North Star Bar, 2639 Poplar St. 215.787.0488. northstarbar.com

Saturday December 5

Jeans and T-shirt Makeover
Before you get rid of your unwanted jeans,T-shirts or accessories, let Patricia Taylor help give your wardrobe a makeover. Taylor is the art instructor behind the next installment of the Family and Community Workshop weekly series, which engages the community in free art projects and activities to explore and develop their creative spirits. Taylor will show you how to reinvent your closet by recycling the pieces with fancy applique and funky colors. Or if you’re feeling adventurous, grab a pair of scissors and create something entirely new. It’s not a secret that recycling is a good thing, but adding new life to your old clothes can also help you recreate your wardrobe without spending nearly as much money. Even if you don’t like your creation, it can always make a great gift. Sherri Hospedales
11am. $10. Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts, 118 N. Broad St. 215.972.7600.pafa.org

John Brown’s Holy War
Demonized for years as a madman by both historians and Hollywood, John Brown and his legacy are now, 150 years after his execution, being seen as a struggle (albeit violent) to end slavery and one of the catalysts that sparked the Civil War. The PBS documentary reveals that John Brown saw the path to abolition through holy crusade rather than civil disobedience and at 55 years old set out to consecrate his life “to the destruction of slavery.” After an abolitionist senator was brutally beaten on the senate floor, Brown spent a night in the wilderness seeking “divine guidance.” He emerged with a killer instinct and a lust for the blood of slavery sympathizers and led a guerilla campaign across the South that eventually ended two years later at Harpers Ferry. Brown was hung for his transgressions but lived on in the minds and passions of freedom fighters like Malcolm X and Henry David Thoreau, who called him an “angel of light.” Tim Mcginnis
2:30pm. African American Museum of Philadelphia, 701 Arch St. 215.574.0380. aampmuseum.org

Righteous Dopefiend
Along with its slew of other dubious distinctions, the greater Los Angeles area has long held the unintended honor of being home, so to speak, to the largest population of homeless people in the country. But no one who has ever strolled through San Francisco’s SoMa district after dark would likely be surprised to learn that “Babylon by the Bay,” as the city is sometimes known, has the country’s highest per capita rate of homelessness. And that was exactly why UPenn anthropologist Philippe Bourgois and his former student, photographer-ethnographer Jeff Schonberg, spent more than a decade living among a community of homeless drug addicts who exist in deplorable conditions on the San Francisco streets. Their research has since become the subject of a gritty and courageously honest book, Righteous Dopefiend. That very same research has also become a multimedia exhibition featuring photographs, field notes, edited transcriptions of the authors’ conversations with the addicts, and more. Dan Eldridge
Through May 2010. Penn Museum, 3260 South St. 215.898.4000. penn.museum

Sunday December 6

Mill Creek Farm Benefit Party
In modern day marketing, the words “sustainable” and “green” get tossed around like a band geek at a frat party. So it’s important to support those that walk the walk. The responsible folks of Mill Creek took what many Philadelphians would use as a trash dump and turned it into a thriving urban farm. The West Philly agriculture group is not only focused on sustainability and local eating, they’re committed to economic feasibility and increasing food availability in neighborhoods where corner store Cheetos and Chinese food are more accessible than nutritious food choices like okra and asparagus (both grown at Mill Creek). Mill Creek is starting to change the landscape of inner city food and it’s through community support that they’ve found themselves at the epicenter of this metropolitan food revolution. They’re celebrating their fourth growing season with food, music and good karma for all those that attend. t.m.
3pm. $25. First Unitarian Church, 2125 Chestnut St., 215.563.3980. millcreekurbanfarm.com