Ahoy, mateys! Polish your peglegs and adjust all eye patches when Pirate Day sails into Fort Mifflin. Bring along the smallest swashbucklers in your life to learn about the seadogs that sailed the Delaware River. X marks the spot as you dig for your very own pirate’s booty, and keep your cutlass handy for the pirate skirmishes throughout the day. The Sea Dogs, a New Jersey band and pirate re-enactment group, will feature a performance of traditional sea shanties. Sing along, or be prepared to walk the plank. -Marissa Marzano
10am-4pm. $3-$6. Fort Mifflin & Hog Island roads. fortmifflin.us
Keith Sweat has earned his loverman bonafides from a career crooning out sexy love songs. Since his chart-topping 1987 debut Make It Last Forever, the aptly named Sweat has kept his countless female fans in a state of excited anticipation; his biggest hits—“I Want Her,” “Nobody” and “Twisted”—all share sexual angst as their central theme. The Harlem, N.Y. native and one-time Wall Streeter found his fortune in music instead, becoming one of the stalwarts of the late ‘80s “New Jack Swing” era. He’s credited with discovering the hit ‘90s soul group Silk and shared the stage with Johnny Gill and the late, great Gerald Levert in the supergroup LSG, which scored a Top 5 Billboard hit in 1997 with “My Body.” Aside from having babies with reality show stars—Sweat is former Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member Lisa Wu’s former husband—Sweat also hosts a nationally syndicated radio show “The Sweat Hotel.” Bet it’s worth a stay. -Tonya Pendleton
8pm. $52.50-$62.50. Keswick Theater, 291 N. Keswick Ave., Glenside. keswicktheater.com
Garfunkel & Oates
Probably the best musical comedy act in the country right now, Garfunkel & Oates are the duo behind infectious YouTube hits like “Pregnant Women are Smug”, “This Party Took a Turn for the Douche” and “I Don’t Understand Job”. The pair—Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome—have cute faces, but grizzled veteran comedy resumes, with three full-length albums to their name and blow-out performances on The Tonight Show and Comedy Central Presents. Their folksy songs hit that double sweet-spot of “hummable tune plus dark jokes,” cheerfully lancing the weeping blister of female frustration that afflicts smart women in world built for dicks. Enjoy seeing them now, before they get all Flight of The Conchords huge and annoying people ruin them for you. -T.C.
7:30pm and 10pm. $20. Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St. heliumcomedy.com
Sunday, August 19
Big Beautiful Women Pageant
If you like women, and you like ‘em big, there is only one place for you to go this week: to Philadelphia’s yearly celebration of full-figured hotties. Organizer Dave Wilkes runs this sincere salute to plus-size beauty, which aims to land a few heartfelt blows against body-image prejudice while still having pageant fun with gowns and tiaras. This year’s event marks 13 years of promoting plus-size beauty, talent and intelligence. The event even has its own theme song “Beauty Comes in Plus,” by R&B vocalist Destinee Maree, whose lyrics capture the essence of the pageant: “Don’t fade in the background, I shine up in front. I’m a full bottle, and not just a sippy cup… I am not no skinny mini, just plus size and above. What some call two-car fat, others call more to love.” -T.C.
2pm. Holiday Inn Stadium, 900 Packer Ave. 877.294.5537. wilkesproductions.com
From the moment most of us first felt silly putty between our fingers or watched a makeshift volcano erupt in science class, we’ve been instilled with an inherent fascination for all things oozy, gooey and explosive. With that in mind, for two consecutive weekends, the science educators at the Franklin Institute will be conducting massively messy experiments sure to amaze the young and old alike. Held at the top of every hour from noon to 4 p.m., the grand-scale demonstrations include everything from an epic gravity drop and “soap bubble monster” to a giant “elephant toothpaste” and ball explosion. Meanwhile, all afternoon, guests will have a chance to unleash their inner child during several continuous, hands-on and take-home activities. Remember to bring some Wet Naps because things are sure to get slimy. -N.F.
Noon. $12-$16. The Franklin Institute, 222 N. 20th St. 215.448.1200. fi.edu
Monday, August 20
The Beta Hi-Fi Emerging Music Festival kicks off this week at World Cafe Live, seeking to find new and emerging artists from the Philadelphia area. Five performers will take the stage each night and the audience will vote on its favorite performance. Prizes, which will be awarded after a culminative performance on the final night of the festival, include 10 hours of professional studio time with Glen Barratt of MorningStar Studios, a Tri-State Indie Promo Package, a fully edited, multi-camera video shoot at World Cafe Live, and more. Jerry Hionis, an American primitive guitar player from Philly, and Ben Rothermel, a Lancaster-born singer and songwriter, are two of the performers jump-starting this must-see music festival tonight. -Katelynn Hartmann
7pm. Free. Through Aug. 26. World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St. 215.222.1400. worldcafelive.com
Tuesday, August 21
Rock and Roar
Here’s a somewhat entertaining thing to do on a boring afternoon: Watch one of those nature shows in which a pack of lions chase an antelope in slow motion and then shred it to bloody bits, but mute the sound and play the first Jesus Lizard album as your savage soundtrack. It just works. If you’ve got kids around, though, it might traumatize them for weeks. If that’s the case, we recommend a more cheerful mingling of big animals and music: the Philadelphia Zoo’s Rock ‘n’ Roar family friendly concert series. Today’s show on the zoo’s Impala Lawn features peppy Manhattan children’s singer Joanie Leeds, who fittingly enough released an album last year called What a Zoo! She’ll probably sing ditties like “Froggie Went a Courtin’,” “Happy as a Clam” and “Sea Cow,” your kids will smile and laugh, and the antelopes will listen along happily, safely removed from the lions’ hungry fangs. -Michael Alan Goldberg
11am. Free (with zoo admission). Impala Lawn at the Philadelphia Zoo, 3400 W. Girard Ave. philadelphiazoo.org
The Internet, much like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors, has a thirst for human blood that’s impossible to quench. Quickly after ripping Lana Del Rey to shreds—somewhat unfairly, one could argue—the Internet began scoping for its next meal, but even before the hunger pains could kick in, a new “Worst Thing to Literally Ever Happen, Today” was found: a quirky teenage MC/Claire’s employee named Kitty Pryde. On “Okay Cupid,” her dreamy, semi-surreal viral hit, the 19-year-old Pryde raps about what most teenage girls know best: boys—although, there is way more Frank Ocean than Carly Rae Jepsen in the song’s honest, diary-like depictions of pill-snorting and underage Bud Light Lime consumption. Unsurprisingly, the Internet’s backlash was immediate—“A teenage girl expressing herself? Not on my watch!”—but the self-proclaimed “rap game Taylor Swift” has soldiered on, continuing to carve out a niche fan base. The top comment on one of her YouTube clips? “Ay girl, I’m trying to take you to Olive Garden.” -B.B.
8pm. $12. The Barbary, 951 Frankford Ave. facebook.com/thebarbary
Calendar: December 17-24
Calendar: Dec. 10-17
PW's Holiday Guide 2014