Philadelphia Weekly

ARTS AND CULTURE

Discipline Daddy

By Steven Wells

Add Comment | Comments: 13 | Posted Feb. 20, 2009

Is Kristin Chenoweth going to have to find a new job?

It has of course been long established --by me--that the defining characteristic of the American personality is the desire to be tied up, spanked and ultimately ruled by a person with a British accent.

This is most evident in U.S. TV reality shows, dominated as they are by aloof, cruel, and irresistibly sexy British patriarchs; Simon Cowell on American Idol, Nigel Lythgoe on So You Think You Can Dance, Piers Morgan on America's Got Talent, Gordon Ramsey on Hell's Kitchen and Len Goodman on Dancing With the Stars.

And then of course there's Tim Gunn on Project Runaway. Timbo isn't actually British, but is so refined, erudite and well spoken that most Americans think he might as well be.

Now think of all the British villains in Hollywood movies. Sure the dumb Yank hero gets to kill the stuck-up suck-ass limey in the last reel. But not before the Brit has tied them to a chair and tortured them with that oh-so-English upper-class suaveness that Americans find so utterly irresistible.

Further evidence of America's insatiable craving to be spanked by somebody British is to be found in the Renaissance Fayres and pretend medieval battles that millions of Americans attend every weekend, where hordes of Yanks in fake armor and cardboard wimples slavishly do what they're told by fake-Brits with cod-Shakespearian speech patterns and aluminum foil crowns.

And this demeaning desire to ditch democracy for good old tried-and-tested feudalism can also be seen in the way we dress our daughters up not as cowgirls or astronauts or plumbers or presidents but as Diana-style fairy princesses.

When Republicans were seeking the perfect vice-presidential candidate--a living symbol who could embody exactly what it means to be an early 21th century American, who did they pick? Sarah Palin--who just happens, by a truly amazing coincidence--to be the American who most resembles that Mary-Poppins-on-steroids, British Supernanny, Jo Frost.

Jo Frost stars as Supernanny Jo Frost on the ABC Television Network's "Supernanny."

This fawning, desperate, quasi-sexual and profoundly undemocratic need to be severely disciplined by someone with a British accent perhaps explains why Americans are the most patriotic people in the world. It's basic overcompensation.

Now I'm all for a bit of patriotism now and then--when a county's deserved it. Like, for instance, when it abolishes slavery, or doesn't elect a right-wing dickhead as president. But America suffers from a surfeit of unconditional patriotism. And unconditional patriotism, like unconditional love, is a very very bad thing indeed.

Let's say you have a dog and this dog rescues you from a fire. How do you react? You give it a doggy choccy drop, tickle it behind the ears and "who's the very besty-westest doggy-woggy in the whole wide world? You are! Oh yes you are! Oh yes you are!"

But let's just say that next day this same dog invades a country for a bunch of made-up reasons, kills over a hundred thousand civilians, subverts the Constitution, and then goes on a torture spree that makes the Spanish Inquisition look like the Care Bears on a nice-binge.

Do you still tickle that bad dog's belly and cuddle it and love it and let it sleep on the bed and tell it that it's the very besty-westest doggy-woggy in the whole wide world? No, of course you don't. You smack it on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper, rub its nose in its own shit and say firmly and sternly: "No! Bad Dog!"

Well countries are very much like dogs. If you praise them and given them choccy doggy drops and tell they're very besty-westest doggy-woggy in the whole wide world even when they're shitting on the living room carpet or deregulating the stock market or chewing up your slippers or sticking 12-year-old goat herders in Guantanamo Bay or piddling in the kitchen or going on blood crazed rape and murder orgies in unarmed Vietnamese villages, then they'll have no incentive to be good in the future.

Because it's true what the Bible says - spare the rod and spoil the child.

And what is America if it isn't an adorable child with an unfortunate tendency to be very, very naughty indeed?

Which is why we need to take down all the flags, take of all the lapel pins, peel off all the patriotic bumper stickers and stop saying, "America is the best country in the world at everything," and "we're number one" all the time.

Instead we should only ever (and this needs to be strictly observed) give ourselves a swift patriotic pat on the back when we do something truly good. Like qualify for the soccer World Cup, or decide not to invade a smaller country, for instance.

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COMMENTS

Comments 1 - 13 of 13

1. The Guardian Sucks said... on Nov 27, 2008 at 11:37PM

“The limeys split India into two parts after the were through raping and pillaging her and that started all of the shit that's going on there now. They did the same thing with Palestine. England, the root of all evil.”

2. Uncle Steven said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 04:39AM

“@ TGS Yes, he thinks everyone who tells him he's a hack is you, he's not too bright huh? Hey - have you seen the latest "Breaking "News" ?? It appears at least 7 of the "misunderstood members of the religion of peace" who've spread some "peace" in Mumbai, are British!!! Jeez, I thought the Brits stopped terrorizing the Indians in the late 40's......I thought they split the country in two, started a religious war that has never ended and left for dear old blighty.....I'm sure Wells will bring this up in his next anti-American hack piece (of shit) he scribbles. Well I'm off to have a look at the hack limey news site who'll spend the next month in damage control telling us how islam is just misunderstood and this is an isolated incident......yep.....PC Britain.......Happy "Holidays"”

3. The Guardian Sucks said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 06:19AM

“Hey William, Yes, I saw that. You know, after Richard Reid (a Limey), the 7/7 bombers and now this...you have to agree with U.S. intelligence which places Britain at the top of security threats to America and the world in general. But of course Stevie boy tells us that's racist. I wonder why? Is it garden variety Marxist political correctness, the kind that's destroying Britain? Or is something else at work? Is Stevie boy trying to protect his British compatriots? He must know on some level what remorseless savages they are. After all, he doesn't live in the West Midlands, he lives here. And yet here he is, writing in a Philly paper that they're no different from you and me. And that we shouldn't judge. That they're the same as all of those Christian terrorists out there. You know the ones. Didn't they storm that mosque in Riyadh last year and kill, like, thousands? Stevie boy, can I get an assist on this one? Google isn't working at the moment! It sickens me to think that this wanker is working here and taking a job away from an American at a time when the economy's broken and people are hurting. Why is he here again? Oh right, to tell us how to fix our broken country. INS, where are you when we need you?”

4. Proud 2b an American said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 08:21AM

“Yeah I agree with William and The Guardian Sucks. What I hate most is the way he thinks we're all the same person when it's obvious that The Guardian Sucks is leading a genuine tidal wave of patriotic real Americans and isn't just one lonely and obsessed individual.”

5. Go Back to Eurabia said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 08:27AM

“I am different person too and I agree with William and Guardian and Proud because anybody with a brain knows that America is the only country in the world with freedom and Europe is under Sharia Law and so is England. Everyone knows that except this limey who is coming over here and like Guardian said is taking our jobs that like Sarah Palin said should belong to reel Americans.”

6. Clean Your teeth You Animals! said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 08:38AM

“Yeah it's great to see so many real Americans agreeing with Guardian. He's really got Stevie Boys number. I just love the way he outwits the limey muslim-lover with his google, You are my hero Guardian keep it up. Without you god only knows how many reel Ameticans Stevie Boy would have infected with his Obama hugging muslim comunism.. Hey what have Jack the Ripper, Queen Elizabeth 2 of England, Winston Churchill, Oliver Cromwell and Hannibal Lechter all got in common? Answer: They all English and they all mass murdererers. And sure this limey can point at Son of Sam and Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan and General Custer and say they were all mass murderers as well and American but what else did they have in common? English acnestors "old boy"!!!!!. Ronald Reagan was even related to the queen!!!!!!. FACT!!!!!!!!!!!”

7. Atticus Limeyhater said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 09:03AM

“Indeed, Guardian is correct. The tsunami of Anglo saxon semen which swept the new world in the wake of defeat of the Spanish Armada must truly be considered the greatest tragedy in human history. I--also not being the same person--second Guardian's call for all of those of English extraction to be banished from these here Americas. Whether it be Are You Being Served or Magna Carta--what have the English ever done for anybody? What has their contribution to life in this hemisphere actually added up to? Look around you, America! See fair Columbia gagging on festering limey cum. This country is in desperate need of delimeyfying stomach pump and I feel that on this page--led by the aptly named Guardian--we might well have the seed (pun intended) of a new American Revolution. Only this time of course we must make sure that we avoid the mistakes of the first. Namely adopting the vile English concept of liberty, and letting the revolution be led by Englishmen or men of English descent (like all the founding fathers (shock fact!)). One last point. One of the most disgusting corruptions of America is the widespread use of the gutteral pig language known as "English". Might I suggest that all further communication between us "Sons of The Guardian" be carried out in Spanish. And that we should adopt this slogan: "This is America! Please Don't Speak English!" Viva America!”

8. The Guardian Sucks said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 12:06PM

“What a blizzard of Limey shitcasm. The last refuge of simpletons and the feeble-minded. Hey Stevie boy, seriously. What do you think about several Englishmen being identified amongst the Mumbai killers? That's English born, English bred. With English accents and everything. They were probably even anally violated in grammar school. That's how typically English they are. Does this make you proud? Or do you feel nothing? Regardless, an important precedent has now been set. Americans have died at the hands of English-born terrorists. They have accomplished what Richard Reid wanted to, but couldn't. Does this mean the U.S. is now at war with Shittin? Man, if only. I'd sign up in a second. I'm not qualified to fly a jet, but I'd sit alongside the pilot and press any button they asked me to.”

9. Steven Wells said... on Nov 29, 2008 at 05:51PM

“So how is the golf?”

10. Dont Vote Demoncrat said... on Nov 30, 2008 at 08:37AM

“Come on Guardian kick his limey ass!!!!!”

11. The Guardian Sucks said... on Nov 30, 2008 at 09:54AM

“Stevie boy, tell us a bedtime story. Tell us about Operation Clark County. And what a resounding victory that was for English journalism and the Guardian in particular. Tell us about how the world stood in awe of your vile media's attempts to meddle in another country's elections. We want to hear all about it. Please tell us.”

12. Go Gaurdian! Beet limey! said... on Nov 30, 2008 at 10:25AM

“Hoo boy! Smakdown! Whale on his limey ass with that 8 iron! Yeeeeeeeehah!”

13. Perfidious Albion Baiter said... on Nov 30, 2008 at 11:15AM

“No reply, Stevie Boy? One can only conclude that Guardian has won. Three cheers for Guardian!”