It's Christmas, for Christ's sake.
Traditions are important. Without them we'd be half-humans, existing like some hideous species of deranged, twitching, vomit-imbibing insectoid parasite on the ever-shifting lip of a deep and hideous cultural chasm. In short we'd be Americans. No, stop, please don't go. I josh. You guys have some fantastic traditions. Like the crazy drug tree that goes up every Christmas at the King of Prussia mall.
And like every great tradition (except those in Britain which have been frozen in aspic since the middle ages) the KOP X-mas drug tree--studded with all kinds of surreal druggy stuff like drummer bears, jack-in-the-boxes, dolls and sports cars--is evolving. Which is to say that every year it edges closer to total mechanical breakdown.
It's the bears that give it away. Stuck halfway up the tree, this circle of ursine percussiveness seems it was once a model of rhythmic uniformity.
No longer. Now every bear pounds away as if listening to the drug-induced drummer in its own head. Some barely tap as they stare glassy-eyed, like recently injected opium fiends. Others twitch like ketamine-cranked disco dollies. Still others spasm as if in the latter stages of amphetamine-induced clinical psychosis.
This last group--exhausted, burnt out, clearly on the edge of madness and forced by some massive chemical imbalance to endlessly repeat the same meaningless, robotic actions--reminds me of Bill O'Reilly.
Yep, it's that time of year again. When snowflakes glisten and children listen to the quasi-fascist scum-of-the-earth at Fox News and on talk radio, ranting on and on and on about the so-called war on Christmas. It's a tradition.
And it's also traditional for me to write this column. You know, the one where I tell the right-wing nuts to shut the hell up. And then I tell the atheists, humanists and freethinkers with their stupid winter solstice to shut the hell up as well. And all you politically correct types, with your "holidays"--you can go fuck yourselves.
It's not Eid or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. It's Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. And if we all celebrate the true meaning of Christmas (gluttony, fornication, drug abuse and drunkenness) while saying "Christmas" over and over again, the Christ in Christmas will eventually become meaningless. (Just as nobody now remembers that Halloween is a contraction of All Hallows Eve.)
The Christians stole Christmas from the Romans who stole it from the Celts who almost certainly stole it from someone else. It took centuries for the godless hordes of alcoholic gluttons and compulsive shoppers to steal it back from the pious. And I'm buggered if I'm going to let some sick coalition of American Christians and PC lunatics steal it back again.
Let's get the Christ outta Christmas. Ho ho ho.
Calendar: July 29-August 5
Calendar: July 22-29