Let's get the Christ outta Christmas.
"All chant rude carols in Apollo's praise ... "
I went to my first Thanksgiving dinner two years ago. "Your first?" gasped an elderly fellow diner. "You mean you don't have Thanksgiving in England? Hasn't it spread?"
She was genuinely amazed the rest of the world doesn't celebrate the curious fact that the Pawtuxet people didn't tomahawk the fuck out of a bunch of fundamentalist Christian lunatics who were kicked out of the most boring and sexually repressed nation in Europe for being too boring and sexually repressed.
Next Thanksgiving I was invited to watch the screening of a TV reality show reenactment of the famous first meeting of the Puritans and their Native Americans neighbors. I'm afraid I disgraced myself. "Kill them now!" I roared. "All of them! Before it's too late!"
I was joking, of course. I love America and I love Americans. Which is why it hurts when I'm accused of being anti-American. It's so not true. If I really hated America, I'd get citizenship just so I could vote Republican. But I don't. Because you guys rock.
I especially love your holidays. You have Halloween and then Thanksgiving and then the-holiday-that-dare-not-speak-its-name. Yep, it's almost that time of year again. Anytime now the dry-blown blowhards on Fox News are gonna start spraying the cameras with spittle as they froth about the evil gay/Jewish/islamoliberal-fascist/satanic conspiracy to turf baby Jesus out of our hearts and replace him with some nimby-namby, wishy-washy, touchy-feely, multicultural "inclusive" bollocks about "holidays."
To which I will respond by controversially stating that while conflating Eid al-Fitr, Hanukkah and Christmas into one tedious and utterly meaningless "holiday" is evidently a festering pile of piffling politically correct poppycock, the answer to this creeping blandness is not to re-Christianize the festivities, but to get religion out of them altogether.
We need to rediscover the true meaning of Christmas--the one it had before it was hijacked by Christians. I'm talking rampant commercialization, gluttony, sexual excess, drunkeness and fighting.
You can stick your "holidays" where the sun don't shine, hippies. If you want to avoid the C-word, then call it by its original British name--yule. Or the Viking jul. Or the Roman saturnalia. Or whatever "It's cold and boring. Let's get drunk and rut like beasts" translates to in the language of your particular barbarian ancestors.
Wouldn't it be easier, though, just to carry on calling it Christmas and then fight tooth and nail to cleanse it of all Christian meaning? Hells bells, we could even keep the fantastic carols, and as Plutarch suggests, just sing the rude versions. And perhaps even gay them up a little.
Altogether now: "While shepherds washed their cocks by night ... "
PW's 2015 Gift Guide
Calendar: Nov. 25-Dec. 2
Artie Lange knows the score
Calendar: November 18-25