Philadelphia Weekly

Bon vivant, barroom Baudelaire, raffish raconteur--Fergie, a true renaissance man, is all these things and more. He is, indeed, a legend in his own lunchtime, a hirsute fellow of infinite jest and owner of a number of particularly fine hostelleries around Philly. Each week he imparts words of wisdom in these very pages, and with Christmas fast approaching, PW turned to the man himself for some random thoughts and suggestions on the holiday season.

What do you think of Christmas generally?

"When I was a kid, Christmas was always warm, you know, a really warm time. In a way, we have Christmas every day over here--we're spoiled rotten. You like that film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, right? I dressed as the Child Catcher a few years ago for Halloween. One of the waitresses used to have nightmares about the Child Catcher when she was a kid, and she saw me in the costume--I was the fat Child Catcher--and she was fucking freaked out. Anyway, growing up in Ireland, you loved Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and you saw it once a year. That was it. Once a year. Nowadays if you like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, you buy the DVD, you have it. You've got Christmas every fuckin' day. Christmas back then was like a big event. We're all spoiled now. It's like a mate of mine reckons, we're better off than even Louis XIV, you know? We're so much better off than royalty of a hundred years ago."

Have you noticed any differences between Christmas in Ireland and in America?

"I'll tell you the difference between Christmas in Ireland and Christmas in America. Christmas in America is your waking hours on Christmas Day. And that's it. That's Christmas. You say to somebody on the 26th, 'Happy Christmas,' and they say [in a bemused American accent], 'It's not Christmas anymore!' In Ireland it's a two-week event. Starts on Christmas Eve and then it's at least a week through to New Year's Day. Christmas Day is all about your family, so you don't fucking think about going anywhere else. There's no pub open. There's nothing open. Then on Boxing Day you go 'round to your mate's family around the corner, or you go 'round to your girlfriend's family. It's great."

What was your best Christmas ever?

"I can't really separate the Christmases. I mean, Christmas was always brilliant. It was like everybody's birthday on the same day. Christmas was like everyone being in the house, being warm by the fire, everybody being happy, being there together, staying in together. Christmas in America really depresses my buddy--it's that whole 24-hour thing. And that whole 'Happy holidays' thing is really fuckin' depressing. I celebrate Christmas--it's Christmas, it's my holiday and I don't like other holidays being all bunched in with it. Christmas is taken away from you in a way. It's diluted. And then of course there's the commercial aspect of it. I mean, look how fucking big St. Patrick's Day is here compared to back home. I mean, really. I always remember it was a day of obligation. You go to Mass. There's a parade in Dublin you go to, and you go home and eat and spend the day with your family. I don't even think the pubs were open."

Now that you're a dad, how do you plan to spend Christmas?

"I'd like to be Santa 365. Nah, I guess what I want to recreate or instill is the heart of Christmas. I do want to catch the right essence of Christmas and give that to my son. It's a good holiday. It's about being a good Christian and reaching out to someone else and doing something else early on Christmas, like feeding the homeless, that makes the rest of the day special. We went to this church that runs a shelter last year and I grabbed a couple of my chefs--one from Fergie's and one from Monk's--and volunteered to help. And we cooked breakfast for a few hundred homeless people. And that made the rest of the day special. I was bollocks tired the rest of the day, but I felt like I'd done something good, you know? Being Christian meant something good when we were young, and now it seems to mean being closed-minded, ignorant and bigoted."

On a lighter note, as a pro, do you have any tips on how to survive office parties?

"Oh, Jesus. Basically, in this city at Christmas and New Year, it's amateur season. It's like, 'I'm going out to get drunk. I don't usually drink, but I'm going to get drunk.' And then they go fuckin' crazy. They're idiots. It's like going to your prom or your dance. It seems like an obligation. It's fuckin' stupid. Don't bother going."

Finally, what would you give George Bush as a Christmas present?

"Hmm, a conscience would be a start. How about a thousand Iraqi civilian body bags dumped all around him? Let him live with it. Let him live where he's destroying. Send him to Fallujah just for the experience."