The Six Pack

Six lazy films.

by Matt Prigge

Our Town (1940): So what if most of the play’s merits are strictly theatrical? Thornton Wilder himself contributed to the screenplay for this leaden adaptation (starring a young William Holden), which softens most of the play’s devices. Look! Actual houses and not chalk outlines! Wilder also okayed the, um, happy ending.

Ocean’s Eleven (1960): The wall that had separated work from play in previous Rat Pack pictures came crashing down in this turgid heist caper/hang-out session/paid vacation. You don’t think those are prop drinks in their hands, do you?

Cannonball Run II (1984): This motorcade sequel (bested in laziness only by Cannonball Run I) couldn’t even bother to get its mega-stars in the same room for shared scenes. As Roger Ebert noted, a scene between Burt Reynolds and Frank Sinatra was clearly shot at two different times, utilizing a not-so-carefully disguised double for Old Blue Eyes in his farewell to film acting.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987): Sequels are designed to duplicate the purported success of the first film—Home Alone 2 literally repeats the first, only with plug-ins for New York. But few have been so brazen as this killer-Santa sequel, which simply plays a not-so-condensed version of Part I for the first 40 minutes. You know, just in case you forgot the original. Or didn’t see it in the first place.

Lions for Lambs (2007): How best to tackle complex, topical issues? Why not just have the characters blabber endlessly about them in artlessly static shots? It’ll only cost $35 million.

Disaster Movie (2008): Ha ha, it’s Iron Man! And Hancock! And Juno! With Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and now this, cynical assholes Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have crafted a distinct brand of spoof humor, wherein the joke is simply mentioning movies that just came out and made gobs of money. Fool you three times, America, shame on them. Fool you four (and doubtless more) times, shame on you.