Sighs matter: A fan seems pleased by Iglesias’ package—regardless of its actual size.

The Trouble With Spikol

Who knows dick?

by Liz Spikol

On primary day I took a break from watching news coverage—which had me bleeding out my ears from pundit fatigue—and spotted this online headline at thebosh.com: “Enrique Iglesias still talking about his penis size.” Still? I hadn’t heard he was talking about it in the first place.

Turns out Iglesias, in an interview with Esquire, told a reporter he had trouble finding condoms small enough to fit his wee manhood. The gossip world went wild, and LifeStyles condom manufacturers released a public statement beseeching the heartthrob to be the new face of the cutely named Snugger Fit.

I have a feeling they’re going to have a hard time finding a spokesperson for that gig, though they pitched it to Iglesias in terms of charitable giving. LifeStyles told the New York Daily News, “It takes a real man to admit his shortcomings and if this Latin crooner can flaunt a fault and still keep Anna Kournikova on his arm, other men are sure to … take pride in what they’re not packin’.”

I guess that was the last straw. Iglesias is now (still) trying to persuade people that he was just joking. Who could blame him for trying to clear his/its name? Having a small penis is deeply stigmatizing, though most women I know (maybe even Anna Kournikova) don’t seem to care all that much.

But here at PW, we care. Oh, we care.

Reader Carlye Benedict recently wrote to PW objecting to the sexist and dumb-dumb way WIP radio talkers refer to Hillary Clinton. To turn the tables, Benedict suggested we ask readers who has the larger penis: Angelo Cataldi or Howard Eskin?

I have no firsthand knowledge, I’m pleased to report. I’ll have to rely on your responses, which came in fast and furious.

“I cast my vote for Angelo,” wrote reader Pat Brubaker. “It’s just a hunch. I’d also like to offer a casual observation. Playing armchair psychotherapist, I’ve noticed that those guys who are critical of the way women look tend to have low self-esteem, in spite of their surface bravado. I’m sure there’s a connection, perhaps a way of deflecting their own self-loathing onto women … ”

I agree, Pat. I wish the self-loathing weren’t so highly rewarded by radio executives, but what can you do?

Someone who prefers to be known simply as “Mike” writes: “Eskin. But really, you’d have to find a woman—or a man—who has been with both guys to provide some kind of testimonial and conclusive proof.”

Mike, if there’s a man out there who’s slept with both Eskin and Cataldi and hasn’t shared that information with the world, he isn’t worthy of owning a penis.

This thoughtful and revealing response comes from Richard (aka Dick) Beckman: “Hey, Liz, is it kosher for a guy to have a say in your contest?”

Interestingly, Richard, most respondents were male. So go for it.

“Let me tell you about guys. We have a love-hate relationship with our penises (peni?). We all like to think we have the best, but we are also overwhelmed with doubts about just how we stack up against other guys. It’s the phantom dick syndrome. It can drive a guy crazy. Guys like to imply things about their size, but it’s a different story when we have to show our stuff. In locker rooms, we’re quick to hide behind towels. And in restrooms, we’re hilariously plastered right up against the wall urinals so no one can see. What are we hiding? The answer: size.”

Wow.

That makes me so happy to be female. There’s a lot I don’t like about being a woman—the discriminatory pay scale, all the blood—but having a penis sounds like a lot more anxiety.

Cat G., a female reader, might share my pain. Regarding the poll, she writes, “As an insomniac who sometimes needs relief from National Public Radio’s grim tales of world disaster, I’m a frequent overnight listener to WIP. Have no opinion as to relative sizes, but I do wonder about the listener demographic considering the number of varied commercials for erectile dysfunction products. There are at least three, maybe four. Also, something creepy: the fiftysomething hosts’ preoccupation with the sex lives (or lack thereof) of their twentysomething interns.”

Another female reader, Jan Husky, keeps it simple, saying only: “My vote is for Howard Eskin because I’d like to believe my doubts.”

Reader Jeff Reed goes a little deeper. He writes: “We’ll (fortunately) never know the answer to that question—unless of course we send a spy into the WIP shower (I’ll bet Rhea Hughes is a riot around that soap dish!). Instead of asking readers who at WIP has the smallest dick, you should ask them who is the biggest dick (there’ll be no shortage of educated responses to that baby).”

Okay, Jeff, we’ll see if it takes. When it comes to PW readers, there’s never a shortage of educated responses. So far I’m not sure whom we’re voting for here, size-wise, but the conversation is just getting interesting. So keep your comments coming.