Illustration by Hawk Krall

On The Radar

Jesus digs strippers and porn stars.

by Steven Wells

The best bit of the soon-to-be-released movie Zombie Strippers is when a stripper exclaims, “They’re zombies!” and her friend retorts, “They’re strippers,” and then another stripper snarls, “They’re zombie strippers!” and jacks a round into the barrel of her pump-action shotgun.

My friends, the Lord is not a passive God. You left the house this morning and weren’t hit in the head by 400 pounds of frozen fecal matter flushed out of a Boeing 747 because God willed it so.

So you seriously think God runs up and down the culture war sidelines in a skimpy skirt shouting rah-rah-rah? Bollocks. God’s a playa.

Satan created Elvis, the Beatles, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, ABBA, Nirvana and the Clash; God hit back with Stryper. Satan spawned Harry Potter; God retaliated with the Christian children’s mystery Mandie and the Secret Tunnel. And so on.

And God’s answer to Zombie Strippers? A soon-to-be-released documentary called Expelled. It’s about how the born-again Christian pseudo-science of intelligent design has been unfairly laughed out of the school system in favor of real science.

You might be forgiven for asking what the hell drugs God is on. Has he gone stark bonkers mental crazy in the head again? How the heck are we supposed to lure our kids away from a film about zombie strippers (starring porn queen Jenna Jameson) with a dry-as-a-mummified-dog’s-dick documentary?

The film attempts to justify the teaching of a doctrine cobbled together in a desperate attempt to reconcile the Garden of Eden with all the towering mountains of evidence that point to the fact that Charles Darwin was absolutely right while the Bible was obviously written by a bunch of deluded wingnuts who were either insane or off their holy tits on ancient hallucinogens. Or both.

While we’re on the topic, you might also be forgiven for asking: Why didn’t some Christian movie producer—upon first hearing about the souls-for- Satan-winning Zombie Strippers—rush out and hire porn star Tera Patrick and make a movie in which a zombie emerges from his tomb to forgive strippers for all their sins while cursing the self-righteous and moralistic and damning the rich to hell? We could call it Zombie Savior.

And I think we all know that zombie’s name. That’s right—it was Jesus, the most famous zombie of all time and a righteous dude who chilled with whores and hated preachers.

So why does God give me all these great ideas while giving Christians only rubbish ones?

Could it be God hates Christians? Or could it be—given that I hang with whores and hate the rich and am a really good person—that I am in fact Jesus?