The Angry Grammarian

by Jeffrey Barg

I’s on the Prize

It’s one thing to be angry. It’s another thing entirely to be right.

Fortunately, the Angry Grammarian is both.

Reliable authorities in the grammar and language world are hard to come by. (The Oxford English Dictionary? They’re okay.) The fine folks at the Pennsylvania Newspaper Association, however, know their shit. Last week, you see, they bestowed a Keystone Press Award upon the Angry Grammarian.

Ahem. Shelf a bit bare, Safire? Feeling mussed, Truss?

It’s not that the PNA was saying the Angry Grammarian is better than so many other columns in the commonwealth. Though they kinda did. It’s not even that they were saying the Angry Grammarian is better at spreading a love of the English language. Though they kinda did that too.

Rather, they affirmed what loyal readers already know: the infallibility of a grammatical approach that maximizes precision, concision and not wasting a word.

Unlike, say, devoting half a column to self-promotion. That would be wasteful, not award-winning.

One of my classmates has an absolute love of the exclamation point. I hate it about as much as I hate the overuse of commas. When is it appropriate to use the exclamation point? And is “?!?!” ever allowed? The exclamation point just seems like such an angry tool to me.

It’s an angry tool, but not an Angry one. Which is to say you’re right—exclamation points should be used sparingly.

Nine times out of 10, the exclamation point is a sorry excuse for lazy writing that’s too weak to convey emotion: “I have a point! And I’m going to make you excited about it! Even though you have no reason to be! Rah!”

A good rule of thumb: Use it for humor, not for exclamation: “The American Copy Editors Society conference is coming next month. Orgy!”

But while the occasional exclamation point can be well placed for effect, there’s never any reason for “?!?!” Unless you’re posting on my 17-year-old cousin’s Facebook wall, where it’s required.

But if that’s the case, you have bigger problems than punctuation. What are you doing posting on a 17-year-old’s Facebook wall? Sicko.

Get thee to the copy editing conference instead.