Illustration by Hawk Krall

On the Radar

Dems suck, but the GOP are baby-eating alien death lizards.

by Steven Wells

Barack Obama is a monotonously droning, platitude-dribbling right-wing asshole. Bill Clinton was an adulterous bomb-happy right-wing asshole. Hillary is a war-supporting right-wing asshole. JFK was a total asshole—especially for pushing Cuba into the arms of the Stalinists and ramping up the war against Vietnam.

The only thing the Dems have going for them is they’re not Republicans. The GOP are human-hating alien scum—Cthulhu with opposable thumbs.

During the last presidential election—the one between the cocaine-ravaged boy warmonger and the weird Frankenstein’s monster-looking muppet—I attended a public meeting hosted by Democratic superwonk James Carville.

At one point Carville asked people to put their hands up if they couldn’t decide between the decorated war hero Democrat and the chickenhawk Republican who lied his ass off and dragged us into a needless war that cost thousands of lives and trillions of dollars, and sent hordes of fresh recruits straight into the arms of the woman-hating, gay-loathing conservative fundamentalist (but unfortunately not Christian) enemy.

Scores of total flaming idiots—who probably have trouble deciding between shit and ice cream for dessert—put their hands up.

Mitt Romney gave a speech recently which was mostly about how the U.S. is the bestest country in the whole wide world ever. This was received with enthusiastic but polite applause. Then he mentioned immigration and the whole damn hall started yipping like hyenas in heat. There were groans of sexual ecstasy. I’m betting the room was awash with urine. Had the camera been turned on the frenzied mob of sexist, racist, baby-eating lizard-alien evildoers, it would no doubt have exposed the American TV viewing public to scenes so sexually depraved they’d make the bestial orgies of the Emperor Caligula look like a Belle and Sebastian after-party.

I’m sick of all this talk of bipartisanship and post-partisanship and “reaching across the aisle.” The Republicans are the party of blood-crazed mass murderers like Richard Nixon—who dropped the equivalent of five Hiroshimas on the peasants of Cambodia, paving the way for Pol Pot (who was supported by Ronald Reagan).

The Republican Party’s modern political soul was forged by Southern bigot and anti-civil-rights campaigner Jesse Helms who, when thanked by a caller to the Larry King show in 1995 “for everything you’ve done to help keep down the niggers,” responded, “Whoops, well, thank you, I think.”

Let’s hear no more about bipartisanship. There’s a culture war to be won—flawed good vs. total evil. Collaboration is for the birds.