Knitzkrieg!

The axis of needle exists - and they're pissed.

by Steven Wells

A few weeks ago I wrote a whimsical column playfully attacking what I assumed was an entirely fictional menace to society—the “knit-Nazis.” You can imagine my surprise when my inbox was flooded with furious, spittle-flecked, foam-drenched digital epistles from real-life knit-Nazis, hissing, screaming and roaring with red-faced fury.

Shit’s all over the Web, man. The needle-clacking fascists have marched in terrifying lockstep to their heavily guarded artsy-crafty-Nazi blogsites—one hideously defaced with a swastika-style crossed-needles knit-Nazi flag—to strut, scream and pontificate like so many hand-knitted twat-hat-with-ear-flaps-wearing mini Adolf Knitlers.

We haven’t the space here to convey the full intensity of this knitted brownshirt backlash. So I’ve crocheted together the edited highlights of some of the least insane responses to give you a wee taste of the tsunami of outraged hysteria unleashed when one gently takes the piss out of twits who knit.

“I bet this … anti-knitting-semitism would be solved if we … assault[ed] him with our pointy sticks until he cries like a little girl. He’ll be wishing for a knit-Nazi concentration camp after he’s felt the prick of a thousand tiny sock needles pierce his delicate fleshy underbelly.”

“Made me want to … drive to Philly and belt him across the face with a heavy-duty Maglite flashlight.”

“He’s a pretentious Nazi cumbucket.”

“I’m a contributor to the Anticraft book, and I live in Philly. I expect ... this kind of crap from a Philadelphian. Every time my husband and I walk out our door, we hear the citizens of this city heckle each other. City of Brotherly Love my f’kn ass.”

“Knit up a pair of socks you cocky mthfkr. Crochet me a blanket. Sew yourself a shirt. Not only does this ass hat need his bottle, but it sounds like he needs his diaper changed too.”

“Wow. Was he attacked by a rogue tea cozy as a child?”

“I think this guy needs to go back to ... *effing* school. And I’ll be there to kick his retentive, inflexible arse when we hit the playground.”

“EFFING ignorant CRAP-FILLED dodo-head.”

“I’m considering crocheting a verrry tiny [lime green ear-flapped twat-hat] for his dick.”

“My grandmother [would] … take you out behind the barn and kick your ass.”

“To the editor and general manager of Philadelphia Weekly: I realize it may be an ‘alternative’ website that you folks run, but there’s a bit of a fine line, and if you ask me, he crossed it.”

This last writer has a point. Knitting is not a fit subject for humor. I therefore apologize to the knit-Nazi community for implying that they’re a bunch of humorless, shrill, hysterical, overly sensitive, smelly hippie whiners with a stupid and demeaning hobby. Sorry.