photo credit: HAWK KRALL

Who’s Your Baghdaddy?

Waterboarding is the solution to Philly’s ills.

by Steven Wells

The bad news is that 2007 is already the worst year for U.S. casualties in Iraq since the invasion in 2003. But you already know that. Because the liberal media—serving their Taliban paymasters in Tehran—have been ramming that fact down the throats of the American public with a gusto that borders on obscene.

Why? Well obviously as a part of a desperate ploy to distract America from the real news: The surge is working. Oh yes it is. Really. Because as Rush Limbaugh frothed in a recent broadcast, violence is way down and the 38 Americans killed in Iraq in October “were the fewest since March 2006.”

Whoa. Pop the fucking champagne. If this decline in the number of young Americans needlessly killed per month continues at the same rate, by March 2018 we could be down to the same U.S. troop casualty figures we saw before the occupation—none.

That’s not an actual statistic, as such. It’s more what I call a Rush-fact. But it’s no less persuasive for that. The only conclusion any sane person can reach regarding Iraq is that we must—repeat, must—keep lowering our recruitment standards and keep ramping up the number of nerve-shattered veterans and raw recruits we throw into Iraq. Possibly forever.

Meanwhile the parallels with Philly would be uncanny if they weren’t so specious. Despite the mooching mullahs of miserabilist misinformation blathering on and on about how we’re on course for the worst murder total since the ’90s, what the posturing pinko pontiffs of panic don’t want you to hear is that the last 24 hours in Philadelphia saw the least number of cop and/or kid shootings in any one-day period since before March 2006. Possibly. Unless it didn’t. In which case you should read this article again tomorrow. Or the day after.

On the other hand, if the surge worked in Iraq, why the hell wouldn’t it work here? I’m sick of the pettyfogging criminal-cuddling codswallop spewed by those who’d rather preserve their so-called Constitution than strap on the jackboots of common sense and kick some serious young-person-who-looks-like-he-might-be-carrying-an-illegal-gun ass.

So here’s my simple three-step plan for making Philly as safe as Baghdad.

1) Green-zone Center City. No poor people allowed without a work permit.

2) Send heavily armed troops who don’t speak the local language into “bad” neighborhoods where they kick down doors and scream at people and cart suspects off to prisons where they’re waterboarded by professionals until they confess.

3) Back the troops up with mercenaries who, being beyond the law, can fire into crowds of civilians at will.

If it’s working there, why the hell shouldn’t it work here?