Is Joey Vento a Lesbian?

GOP toilet sex is okay with me.

by Steven Wells

Like most homophobes and—judging by the evidence—all senior conservatives, Sen. Craig isn’t gay; he just fancies a bit of cock now and then. And in all seriousness, what’s wrong with that? It’s a guy thing. Who among us—even the most heterosexual of us—can honestly say they haven’t fancied the occasional prance ’round the old maypole?

Dude goes into a bathroom panting for a portion of cop knob. A filthy-looking fuzz gives him the come-on. So he tries to shag him. Where’s the crime? Where’s the sin? Where’s the immorality? If we’re going to punish flirtation in public places then we might as well start making mass arrests in offices, bars, discos and Laundromats across the country.

And then how would we get laid? Through eHarmony? Where—we learn from the adverts—one’s perfect match is never, ever of a different race?

Hey, you know that old fellow who appears in the eHarmony ads? He’s 70-year-old granddad Neil Clark Warren, and he’s had three books on dating published by the rabidly antigay conservative Christian propaganda group Focus on the Family. And you thought it was a coincidence you never saw gay, tattooed, satanic, sexually attractive or—God forbid—multiracial couples on eHarmony commercials? Pshaw.

Conservatives, I’ve recently learned, are a bit touchy about the gay side of their sexuality. A few weeks ago I wrote an article in which I called right-wing bloggers “carpet-chewing Ann Coulter wannabes.” One Ann Coulter wannabe, Debbie Schlussel, assumed I was calling her a lesbian and took great offense, responding that I’d probably had “backseat travails with Elton John and George Michaels” (sic).

I had to point out that “carpet chewing” (as opposed to “carpet munching”) is a reference not to cunnilingus but to the notoriously right-wing Adolf Hitler’s alleged tendency to get down on his knees and literally gnaw the axminster when he was feeling especially mad.

But a quick straw poll of my young PW colleagues reveals they too all thought “carpet chewing” was a reference to lesbianism. Which got me thinking—perhaps it is. Maybe those clever bastards in Allied propaganda who made up the carpet-chewing rumor were actually implying Hitler was a lesbian.

And—as more and more American conservatives come tumbling out of the closet like clowns piling out of a comically tiny circus car—who knows? Maybe he was.